I feel like I should stop f@sting during the day and give myself a 12pm to 6pm eating window. I feel like being able to snack (eating when I need to so I’m not hungry) a little during the day will help me. I’m going to try that next week to see if it works.

If anyone needed motivation to drink water

I remember a moment when I was at my lw (dangerously low) that made me realize how fucked up my ed and body dismorphia were.

I was naked in front of the mirror, disgusted by how large my chest was. I was squeezing my torso to see how much fat I had and how I’d look if I’d lose it.

And then I realized I didn’t have any fat left there. What was too large for my ed was my ribcage. I was a fucking skeleton trying to get skinnier and even bones seemed too much.

And despite knowing I was deadly sick, desperate, lonely and suicidal, a part of me wants to go to that weight and body so bad. And I’m slowly relapsing again, saying I’m just trying to “lose some weight” when in reality I wanna be a skeleton again.

so uhh i’m starting “ partial hospitalization “ for my ed on monday but it’s virtual rn lmao,, they said they’re gonna be open again next week but idk

honestly i did want to start treatment like a month ago and my mom made me promise id at least try but at this point it’s just taking too long to even start and i still don’t feel like i need it or deserve it and i’m scared and i don’t think i’m ready but i don’t want to let everyone down and disappoint everyone:( but i feel obligated to bc no one wants to deal with it anymore and my mom told me she thinks i’m so skinny she can barely look at me and that made me so upset and i’m literally not even skinny :( my bmi is fucking 20 im not Really anorexic yet :/

I went shopping today with my friend and it was good cause I got to do lots of walking however she wanted to get chips for lunch and because she’s aware of my recovery, I couldn’t really refuse without raising suspicions of a relapse so yeah…. already over my calorie limit and my parents are still cooking dinner tonight the universe is not letting me relapse in peace ffs

When i pick up anything edible my ed goes:

Dear eating disorder

Its like this after every binge, and its the WORST.

I can’t remember how eating without guilt feels.

Am i the only one that wants to change their body shape? Like, yes i would prefer to be 80lbs, but until then could i have a ⏳shaped body? Or a ? Or just anything but this fat square, bc im over it, ok.

I can have this small meal, i worked out today

The workout:

I had a dream, i was thin.

I was late for my first day of school after summer, i ran up the stairs and walked in the class room. Everyone turned their head towards me. They looked suprised. I apologized for being late and sat down. We were sitting in pairs, so i sat next to one of the boys i had known for years. He asked “what’s your name?”, i was confused and asked what he meant. “It’s me, Jen?” He looked at me again. «Jen? It’s you? You look like a different person” i blushed. Yes, the work was worth it. The time and the energy was well spent. Losing all those Lbs really did me good, i mean i did have the cutest boy in school looking at me instead of paying attention. At the end of the class we got our phones back from the teacher. While putting my books in my backpack i put my phone on my thigh. The phone was so much wider that it fell down. The boy picked it up and gave it to me while looking at me. He smiled and sat down. I walked out of the classroom, but i caught a glimpse of him looking at me while i went out the door. Skinny.

Restricting but starving for proper food that isn’t gum, green tea, black coffee or diet coke be like

Me in my mirror after completing a 24hr fast:

Me to the voice in my head always saying im not good enough:

Oh to be skinny

Saw this and it made me need to vent, and the only place i really feel comfortable enough to do so, is right here, let me apologize in advance.

A few days ago i was messaging my best friend asking when she was free. We hadn’t seen each other in almost two months! So we made plans that she would visit me Wednesday. So i asked when she was coming around noon, because we usually visit each other at that time. And she didn’t answer for almost an hour, so i decided to call her. And guess what that girl said. “Ehm i don’t know if i can today. Maybe another time?” I’m sorry, we hadn’t seen each other for a LONG TIME. And we were both home, and i asked her if she wanted to get together or something, and she cancels yet again. So i told her that i really missed her and that i thought she should make a little bit time to spend with me. She didn’t say a word. so i told her, that was what i wanted to tell her. and she answers with a short “fine” and hangs up before she’s even done saying that word.

I then went crying in the bathroom for 10 minutes. Yes call me dramatic, but I’m going through a really rough time, i mean you can see my page. And my best friend knows that. I told myself i wouldn’t apologize, i didn’t do anything wrong! She was being rude - because i told her that i missed her? Anyways, guess who ended up apologizing.

It’s always me.

I had 3 grapes today and i feel so EMPTY aaa

Starving is so euphoric, ngl

- Always remember -

Does anyone else really, really, really want to just dissapear? Like i just wish that i didn’t exist anymore. I don’t want to die because i know that would hurt someone, but i dont want to live anymore, at all.

Okay my therapist says that i’m not supposed to put the blame on anyone for my ed, but are we just gonna ignore the fact that my depression started bc my family is so incredibly dysfunctional?

I started school again today and i feel like everyone was so fucking aware that i got myself fat again.

Ok my plan from now on is just going on tumblr or watching some ana movie every time i want to binge

Ed starter pack

When someone asks to borrow my phone, im just PRAYING that tumblr isn’t visible in any way, shape or form, and also feeling like this✨