Hey guys I made a new blog called NokiaWrites, where i write fanfics instead of eating, please request stories so I have a reason not to eat

i just want to be thin

total was 776 today not mad !

time to make another new impossible diet plan for myself even tho i know i probably won’t stick to it for more than 2 days lmao

also i wasn’t planning on restricting much today i was just busy

my goal is gonna be like 900-1200 i think. i wanna eat enough that i don’t binge and i feel like having my limit be higher makes me binge too so ? idk lol

is it possible to recover from an ed but still lose weight lol

like i wanna be healthy and i’m tired of being in cycles of restricting and binging and being sick

but like i only have 10ish more lbs to lose and i feel like it would make me feel so much better i wanna just eat super healthy and lose weight and feel good physically and mentally

ok starting tomorrow i’m getting skinny again

me: i’m kinda hungry i’ll just have a little snack :)

me: binges on everything in sight

lately i’ve just been switching between “fuck it, i’ll just binge 24/7 and if i get fat i get fat” to “i need to be skinny immediately i’m only allowed to have 10 calories a day” to “i just have to eat a normal amount and eat super healthy foods” and my head hurts :))

hi everyone, i decided i’m actually going to try to recover this time. i’ve started treatment and i actually feel motivated to get better!

if you’re seeing this, please take it as a sign to recover!!!! you deserve it!!!

i was so sick today from having a migraine that wouldn’t go away and barely ate and (unintentionally) threw everything up i lowkey wish i could weigh myself in the morning

i got weighed for part of an assessment at the ed clinic but they wouldn’t let me see it :(

so uhh i’m starting “ partial hospitalization “ for my ed on monday but it’s virtual rn lmao,, they said they’re gonna be open again next week but idk

honestly i did want to start treatment like a month ago and my mom made me promise id at least try but at this point it’s just taking too long to even start and i still don’t feel like i need it or deserve it and i’m scared and i don’t think i’m ready but i don’t want to let everyone down and disappoint everyone:( but i feel obligated to bc no one wants to deal with it anymore and my mom told me she thinks i’m so skinny she can barely look at me and that made me so upset and i’m literally not even skinny :( my bmi is fucking 20 im not Really anorexic yet :/

What’s the best way to lose weight fast ?

Is it by fasting 3 to 5 days several times in a month and restricting <500 cals the other days? (and also exercising every single day)

Or is it by restricting <500 cals every day and also exercising?

Does “starvation mode” really exist? Is it possible that you lose more weight by eating daily but restricting than fasting/restricting?

I need help and advice please

Oh. I really want to die rn. I can’t stand it.

I haven’t eaten for 5 days, the week before I ate small amounts and low cal. I exercised.

I just have weighed myself. I’m 58kg (128 lbs)

I thought I’d be at least at 55kg (121 lbs). It seems that no matter how little I eat I don’t lose.

My parents will go on vacation 20 days so I’m planning to fast at least 15 days in total. And I’m prolonging my ongoing 110h fast to a 165h one.

I want to have sex/intime relation but I’m too insecure and hate my body

And I’d like to have penetrative sex but it scares me, so I was wondering why, and figured out it may be linked to my fear/disgust of things (food) entering my body

So here’s another side effect of my ed on my life :)

Does smoking cigarettes really help suppressing appetite ?

Asking for a friend ;)

Bc i’m bored even if i know this won’t interest anybody, it’s like having a Q&A with myself :)

• Day 1 : stats

I’m 160cm (5"2) and I think I weight 56kg rn (123 lbs)

This is also my hw. My lw was 37kg (81 lbs) and my ugw is 36kg (79 lbs) bc I wanna be at least at bmi 14 if not less.

• Day 2 : height

So i’m 160cm (5"2) and nah i don’t like my height. I’d like to be taller, ~170/175cm (5"7)

I’m not dainty short, I’m stocky short >:(

I want those long legs!!

• Day 3 : thinspiration

I really love this pic even tho I have a ton of fav thinspi

She’s very thin and dainty, her waist is so tiny! I love her long and skinny legs and her outfit is so beautiful too! And those arms!

• Day 4 : fears about weight loss

Hmm I’d say

- losing my hair (I literally had a kind of baldness when at my lw it was so ugly),

- loose skin,

- worrying my friends and family and making their life harder

And most importantly the worst case would be to have to stop my studies to go inpatient. Rn my studies and my student friends are the best thing that happened to me. I love my studies, living alone, my supportive friends, the parties, the atmosphere. I don’t want to waste one of the best year of my youth bc of my ed.

• Day 5 : why

Well I really hate my body as long as i’m not underweight. I hate myself if i’m not skinny. My self esteem and mental health are also slightly better when I’m underweight. It’s the only moment I’m comfortable enough to wear what I’m want, to not be drowned in shame. And I have a certain pleasure to watch others eating while I can resist hunger.

I wanna lose for me. Deep down I also wanna lose to be attractive, and to be cared of. And so my parents won’t shame my weight gain.

In fact it’s a tough question bc my head is just a mess rn and I don’t really want to acknowledge my feelings, I’d rather be in denial lmaooo

• Day 6 : binges

Yes I binge. I had a long period of anorexia (restrictive only) then I started bingeing and compensating by restricting more

It turned into a kind of binge eating disorder since January 2020,which made me gain all the weight back and more.

Now I’m kinda restricting and sometimes I have really huge binges but I can’t purge.

I think I binge bc :

- I restrict too much and then have physical and psychological urges to eat and stop the starvation

- I probably try (unconsciously) to fill an emptiness, loneliness, a lack of something inside me, and food comforts me temporarily

• 24h into my 110h 165h fast

1 coffee with milk, 1 tea, 3 sugar free gums ~ 40 cal

30 min abs workout

Can’t say I’m proud bc I hate myself way more for having gained so much weight and having to starve now instead of enjoying a skinny summer like last year

But I’m determined to continue this way and hopefully lose 15kg before september

I’m scared bc I know this “diet” of <50cal/day isn’t sustainable and may end in a huge binge but I’m either starving or bingeing all day sooo ‍♀️ and upset cos I wanna see results tomorrow and dunno if I can be this strict with my diet all summer

And I’m isolating a lot from friends/family, and I’m really anxious about food again

I’m spiralling and relapsing really hard but I wanna lose weight more than ever

• 48h into my 110h 165h fast

1 tea, 2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 2 cinnamon candies, 1 gum ~ 15 cal

12 minutes weigh loss pilates

I feel really tired and sluggish, I nearly didn’t move from my couch today. I’m depressed and also angry at myself bc I didn’t work out very much.

When I see posts saying some people are exercising to the point of fainting I’m ashamed bc I never exercise that much. I don’t have willpower. I want a toned and skinny body but I’m not pushing myself hard enough. I feel like a failure and a lazy fatass.

• 72h into my 110h 165h fast

2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 2 teas, 2 gums, ½ stock cube ~ 30 cals

Walked 2h30, 14000 steps

Wasn’t a bad day, finally went outside, i went to the botanical garden bc I love plants and they sooth me

I also put on my jeans (size 6) and they were looser than usual ! This is the motivation I need to keep fasting and restricting! Hopefully I’ll be able to lose those 15kg for september if I keep going on and fast more

Can’t wait to wear my size 0 clothes again

• 96h into my 110h 165h fast

1 black coffee, 1 glass of 0cal lemonade, 2 gums ~ 10cals

1h stretching yoga

Good day, wasn’t even hungry! I tried to do a 12min intense abs workout but had to stop at 5min bc I had back pain. So I switched for a back pain relief yoga

I’m satisfied that I acknowledged my pain, didn’t push too hard on my body, instead I listened to it and tried to help it.

But I’m also disappointed in myself bc I didn’t push me “hard enough” which makes me feel like I’m not making efforts to lose (even if i’m currently in a 5 days fast lmaoo)

• 120h ino my 165h fast

1 coffee, 1 glass of 0cal lemonade, 1 gum ~ 5 cals

35 min of Chloe Ting workouts

I weighed myself this morning and had a breakdown. I thought after 4 days of fasting I would’ve lost some weight but no i’m 58kg which is my hw and I wanna kms.

So I did harder workout and I’m prolonging my fast. Apparently if I exercise 5x/week and eat 300 cals/day, I should lose 15kg by september.

I’m going to fast a few times more, maybe 3x 5 days so I’ll be eating less than 300cals on the average.

• 144h into my 165h fast

1 coffee, 2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 1 gum ~ 5 cals

30min back pain workout, 25min of Chloe Ting Body & Abs workout

I’ve lost 0.5kg (1.1 lb) since yesterday sooo good I guess? I’m not bloated anymore and I can slightly see some abs when I raise my arms :)

I’m barely hungry, I don’t wanna eat anymore (I watch mukbangs and supersize vs superskinny instead to stop my urges to eat lmao)

It also makes me anxious bc i’m scared that when I’ll start eating again, I’ll gain even if it’s <200 cals I dunno

I think I’m gonna start a fast at midnight and end it on monday at 12pm

So it will be a 132h fast, never did one this long but I reaaaally need to lose a ton of weight as fast as possible

I hope I’ll be able to do it without ending bingeing

the severely mentally ill urge to date someone equally mentally ill or with the same illnesses so i get worse just from being with them

LAST WEEK’S STATS (09.20.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 153.2lbs (69.5kg)
BF: 28.2%
BMI: 28.0 (Overweight)

NEW STATS (09.27.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 156.8lbs (71.1kg)
BF: 29.1%
BMI: 28.7 (Overweight)

IGAINEDby: +3.6lbs (+1.6kg), +1.5% BF, & +0.5 BMI Points

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Perhaps choosing to attempt eating a healthy amount of calories for weight loss was ✨a mistake.✨ Can y’all believe I had negative net calories every day for the entire week but STILL gained in the end???? Not even gonna lie, I’m seriously feeling scammed right now, what the fuck. 

Recap of This Week’s Calorie Intake Here

This week’s calorie allowance was:10,500cal
This week’s calorie expenditure goal was: ≥10,500cal

Daily Calories Consumed
Sunday: 1500cal
Monday: 1450cal
Tuesday: 1040cal
Wednesday: 1045cal
Thursday: 1449cal
Friday: 861cal
Saturday: 1680cal
This week’s total calorie intake was: 9,025cal

Daily Calories Burned
Sunday: 1877cal
Monday: 2042cal
Tuesday: 2106cal
Wednesday: 1989cal
Thursday: 2022cal
Friday: 1733cal
Saturday: 2422cal
This week’s total calorie expenditure was:14,191cal

This week’s total net calories were:-5,166cal

Subsequent Stats Update Here

Weekly Ana Recap (09.13.20 - 09.19.20)

This week’s calorie allowance was:3,500cal

This week’s calorie expenditure goal was:14,000cal

Daily Calories Consumed

Sunday: 445cal

Monday: 432cal

Tuesday: 500cal

Wednesday: 453cal

Thursday: 485cal

Friday: 445cal

Saturday: 730cal

This week’s total calorie intake was:3,490cal

Daily Calories Burned

Sunday: 2051cal

Monday: 2003cal

Tuesday: 2079cal

Wednesday: 1959cal

Thursday: 1974cal

Friday: 1892cal

Saturday: 2351cal

This week’s total calorie expenditure was:14,309cal

This week’s total net calories were:-10,819cal

LAST WEEK’S STATS (09.13.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 159.8lbs (72.5kg)
BF:29.8%
BMI: 29.2 (Overweight)

NEW STATS (09.20.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 153.2lbs (69.5kg)
BF:28.2%
BMI: 28.0 (Overweight)

ILOSTby: -6.6lbs (-3kg), -1.6% BF, & -1.2 BMI Points

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I guess that’s what happens when you only eat 3,490cal the whole week and also burn 14,309cal in total in the same week. ‍♀️ I’m going to try taking it easy for the first few days of this week (09.20 - 09.26), but I’m so excited right now; going back down to, or even past, my LW by next week should totally be a piece of cake!!

Holy shit. I actually lost weight for once.

LAST WEEK’S STATS (09.06.20)

Height: 5′2″ (157cm)

Weight:162.0lbs (73.5kg)

BF:30.6%

BMI:29.6 (Overweight)

NEW STATS (09.13.20)

Height: 5'2" (157cm)

Weight: 159.8lbs (72.5kg)

BF: 29.8%

BMI: 29.2 (Overweight)

ILOSTby: -2.2lbs (-1kg), -0.8% BF, & -0.4 BMI Points

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Proof for myself that you don’t need to water fast or jump into low restriction to lose weight, high* restriction can also be effective, and slow weight loss is still weight loss. What a concept!

*Different people have different definitions of what is a “high restriction”. For myself, I automatically consider 4 digit numbers, including 1,000, to be high restriction. So, I consider this past week of keeping my daily intake at ~1,000cal or lower to be high restriction.