it looked like i was losing weight but the scale is telling me otherwise.

This bitch relapsed real bad. IMAGINE

pdlcomics:

so much

The irony is that for people with eating disorders, breakfast, lunch, and dinner can actually be a LOT to think about.

My eating disorder when my therapist tries to tell me what I need to do

Starting tomorrow I am strictly eating just 3 ingredient salads (45 cals each).

Im going to do it for as long as I can get away with before people notice.

Wish me luck!!!

Sometimes I feel so suffocated by life that staving seem to be the only thing to fix it..

I had a pretty bad binge week but I can feel the restricting cycle starting back up again.

can i hurry up and lose this weight so i can get to the maintenance stage i’m so TIRED

i refuse to try recovery until my body looks somewhat acceptable to me

i didn’t binge yesterday but i didn’t restrict either and i ate too much but also not enough to be considered a normal daily intake so where does that leave me? still angry with myself

do people really forget about their problems when they starve themselves?

like ofc it’s a coping mechanism so it helps feel in control despite all the shit in our lives but for me it’s not to the extent where it helps me cope or forget. if anything it causes me more stress. maybe it’s because i’m getting older and the whole honeymoon phase has been over for years or maybe i’m doing it wrong idk anymore

And that’s how I became anorexic

notrecovered:

having a relapse with Mia and ending up 7lb heavier than when you started? Fuck my life. Downloading this fastic fasting app, the long restriction begins, meaning I stocked up on monster, gum and disposable vapes. Can I learn my entire course in the next 2 months while literally starving?

It’s funny for me it’s the opposite.

I’ll go from like strictly mia b/p and fasting type beat to restriction. When I restrict I gain weight.

I actually made this mistake for three days in a row and now I’m relapsing back to mia lmao.

Beginning of Christmas season⛄

Everyone : *happy bc Christmas holidays are in a few weeks*

Me : *crippling anxiety bc I’ll have to spend it with my parents and won’t be able to eat <500 cals /day without them noticing my relapse*

During the holidays

Everyone : *enjoying the holidays, treating themselves with wonderful Christmas food*

Me : *constant mental breakdown, unable to enjoy spending time with loved ones, can’t eat the delicious food without being on the verge of tears*

After the holidays

Everyone : *happy bc they’ve spent a good time, having gained a few pounds isn’t really an issue*

Me : *relieved bc I can go back to starve and punishing myself for having gained a few pounds, and hating myself bc I couldn’t enjoy Christmas this year again*

Oh yeah having an ed is somuch✨fun

I remember a moment when I was at my lw (dangerously low) that made me realize how fucked up my ed and body dismorphia were.

I was naked in front of the mirror, disgusted by how large my chest was. I was squeezing my torso to see how much fat I had and how I’d look if I’d lose it.

And then I realized I didn’t have any fat left there. What was too large for my ed was my ribcage. I was a fucking skeleton trying to get skinnier and even bones seemed too much.

And despite knowing I was deadly sick, desperate, lonely and suicidal, a part of me wants to go to that weight and body so bad. And I’m slowly relapsing again, saying I’m just trying to “lose some weight” when in reality I wanna be a skeleton again.

Lmao my dumb ass really thought I could stick to my reasonable 1000cal/day meal plan without bingeing

I’m such a fool

I managed to do it for 2 weeks without bingeing tho (which I’m kinda proud of btw!), but I’ve quickly cut out my breakfast and decreased my dinner to <200 cals on the 2nd week (so I was eating ~500cals/day)

I felt overwhelmed by the idea of eating nearly 1000cals bc I don’t workout and always think I don’t need/deserve that much food.

And tbh I don’t see any changes in the mirror neither in my clothes so I thought I should speed up my weight loss

BUT I’ve binged on Friday evening of my 3rd week and ate the leftovers of this binge the next day too

Then I kept my meal plan for the following week, but kept it at ~500cals instead of 1000. And yesterday I had to buy chips and beers bc I was spending the night with a friend at their place. I knew when I was going to the store that I would buy binge foods and would eat it before seeing them.

I ate too much and was really guilty and depressed, and also ate too much at their place. And today I went back at my place and ate some cookies I bought for the binge.

So basically I’m a piece of shit rn. All my restriction of the 4th week has been vain bc I ate more than the amount I restricted for 7 fucking days.

Next week I’m planning on eating under 500cals/day every day and I CAN’T binge on my 5th weekend I really need to have some self control.

I need to lose 10kg by the end of January 2021. I need to workout. I need to stop bingeing. I need to eat whole foods. I need to allow myself low cal treats without eating the whole grocery store.

I need to go back to my lw, which means I must lose 24kg.

Here is my current meal plan!

It’s low in fat and sugar, budget friendly (less than 30€/week), meal prepped

I eat less than 1000cals/day so this makes room for when I see my friends and it wasn’t planned (it’s beers mostly lmao)

• Breakfast (20-200 cals)

I usually don’t have time and just drink a coffee with milk but sometimes I make oats :

50g oats, 60ml milk, cinnamon, stevia (200)

• Lunch (400)

I make my lunches in advance (usually 2 days the night before) so it’s ready in the morning and I don’t have excuses like “oh I don’t have time to prepare lunch I’ll just eat at the cantine”

1 portion (200cals) of protein rich carbs : lentils, quinoa or red beans

1 portion (140cals) of protein : 2 eggs, chicken, tofu, tuna, soja meat

1 portion (60cals) of seasonal veggies of choice

Plenty of water, black coffee and tea throughout the day

• Dinner (200-400)

I’m lazy and don’t feel like cooking dinner and next lunches the evening bc I get home late, so I usually eat something light and convenient

Soup, fresh or canned veggies, fruits, pre-made meals or salads

If I crave something sweet, instead of buying and eating a whole cereal box or several cookies packs like I used to do, i now force myself to eat tangerines, oatmeal or chocolate covered rice cakes (they’re 60 cals each), and drink coffee or tea with sweetener and have a piece of gum

I’m not ready to buy sweet/fatty/junk foods again bc I know I’ll eat it in 1 sitting, so I stay away from it for now

If I’m really hungry, really craving something or feeling weak, I choose to eat!! I know eating more once or twice a week won’t be as bad as restricting too low and then having huge binges! It’s way worst to starve and binge bc y'all know it’s a never ending hell

And eating 1000 cals/day will definitely make you lose weight (it’s already a low intake), and it will be easier to keep it going

Goals can be reached with patience and consistency :)

Soooo after months of trying to lose weight and gaining instead bc i’m stucked in a binge/restrict cycle

I’ve finally decided to increase my planned intake! I was used to plan 400cals/day and always ended having massive binges multiples times per week

I’ve made a 1000cals/day planning for a week and didn’t binge once!! I haven’t succeed to maintain a realistic meal plan without bingeing for months!

I’m so proud rn, I should lose 10kg by the end of January by keeping it on, I really hope I’ll be able to do it!

I’ll try to be more active on tumblr to keep me motivated :)

Fucked up to be happy when you’re sick bc you’re not hungry, food disgusts you, got nausea and you shit all the time

I’m a tired wreck but at least I’m losing weight right ?

Am I the only one to leave tumblr every time I “fail” having an ed?

Idk I feel like a fraud for gaining instead of losing and I can’t go on ed tumblr bc i’m not worth it and everyone will see it if I’m connected lmaoo wth

Anywayyyy I’m back bc holiday ends and I need to get my shit together - I hope I’m going to be so busy I won’t have time to binge

I wonder

Every time I see a very skinny person (like they could be bonespo and seem to have a bmi <14), I wonder.

Do they suffer from an ed like me ?

Are they upset of seeing /smelling food when walking in the city like me ?

Is their life a mess regulated by restriction, thinking about food/calories and how to avoid events like me ?

Do they hate their body to the point of slowly killing it like me ?

I’m jealous bc I want their skinny, bony, sick body.

And I’m saddened by the fact they may have an ed and therefore I know too the painful struggles that life has become.

Mom : you’ve lost weight since the last time I saw you (1 week ago) that’s great! What did you do ?

Me *have been fasting for 1 whole week and exercised every day* : I just did a few workouts you know, nothing much

Thanks for promoting weight loss to your child even tho they are at a healthy weight and suffered from anorexia and binge eating for the 2 past years

What’s the best way to lose weight fast ?

Is it by fasting 3 to 5 days several times in a month and restricting <500 cals the other days? (and also exercising every single day)

Or is it by restricting <500 cals every day and also exercising?

Does “starvation mode” really exist? Is it possible that you lose more weight by eating daily but restricting than fasting/restricting?

I need help and advice please

Oh. I really want to die rn. I can’t stand it.

I haven’t eaten for 5 days, the week before I ate small amounts and low cal. I exercised.

I just have weighed myself. I’m 58kg (128 lbs)

I thought I’d be at least at 55kg (121 lbs). It seems that no matter how little I eat I don’t lose.

My parents will go on vacation 20 days so I’m planning to fast at least 15 days in total. And I’m prolonging my ongoing 110h fast to a 165h one.

I want to have sex/intime relation but I’m too insecure and hate my body

And I’d like to have penetrative sex but it scares me, so I was wondering why, and figured out it may be linked to my fear/disgust of things (food) entering my body

So here’s another side effect of my ed on my life :)

Skyr y'all

One of my safest food ever, and I think this yogurt is really underrated and deserves recognition

Very low fat, low cal, high protein yogurt

~ 50 cal / 100g

~ 20g protein / 100g

Comes in fruity/vanilla flavors (good for sweet cravings, breakfast, snack, overnight oats)

Or just plain (good to avoid binges while having protein, healthy dip with veggies, low cal dressing, anything)

You can buy it in 100g tub so it’s a perfect portion, or in big pot!

When I was really underweight and my parents would keep a close eye on what I ate, they never suspected it to be an “Ana food” bc it’s not labeled as “low cal” or “0%” or “diet”

I said I wanted to gain muscle mass and protein was good, so I was allowed to eat them :)

when asked what superpower I would chose, I always say shape-shifting

but it’s really just bc it means I could change my body in a skinnier and prettier one

Does smoking cigarettes really help suppressing appetite ?

Asking for a friend ;)

Bc i’m bored even if i know this won’t interest anybody, it’s like having a Q&A with myself :)

• Day 1 : stats

I’m 160cm (5"2) and I think I weight 56kg rn (123 lbs)

This is also my hw. My lw was 37kg (81 lbs) and my ugw is 36kg (79 lbs) bc I wanna be at least at bmi 14 if not less.

• Day 2 : height

So i’m 160cm (5"2) and nah i don’t like my height. I’d like to be taller, ~170/175cm (5"7)

I’m not dainty short, I’m stocky short >:(

I want those long legs!!

• Day 3 : thinspiration

I really love this pic even tho I have a ton of fav thinspi

She’s very thin and dainty, her waist is so tiny! I love her long and skinny legs and her outfit is so beautiful too! And those arms!

• Day 4 : fears about weight loss

Hmm I’d say

- losing my hair (I literally had a kind of baldness when at my lw it was so ugly),

- loose skin,

- worrying my friends and family and making their life harder

And most importantly the worst case would be to have to stop my studies to go inpatient. Rn my studies and my student friends are the best thing that happened to me. I love my studies, living alone, my supportive friends, the parties, the atmosphere. I don’t want to waste one of the best year of my youth bc of my ed.

• Day 5 : why

Well I really hate my body as long as i’m not underweight. I hate myself if i’m not skinny. My self esteem and mental health are also slightly better when I’m underweight. It’s the only moment I’m comfortable enough to wear what I’m want, to not be drowned in shame. And I have a certain pleasure to watch others eating while I can resist hunger.

I wanna lose for me. Deep down I also wanna lose to be attractive, and to be cared of. And so my parents won’t shame my weight gain.

In fact it’s a tough question bc my head is just a mess rn and I don’t really want to acknowledge my feelings, I’d rather be in denial lmaooo

• Day 6 : binges

Yes I binge. I had a long period of anorexia (restrictive only) then I started bingeing and compensating by restricting more

It turned into a kind of binge eating disorder since January 2020,which made me gain all the weight back and more.

Now I’m kinda restricting and sometimes I have really huge binges but I can’t purge.

I think I binge bc :

- I restrict too much and then have physical and psychological urges to eat and stop the starvation

- I probably try (unconsciously) to fill an emptiness, loneliness, a lack of something inside me, and food comforts me temporarily

• 24h into my 110h 165h fast

1 coffee with milk, 1 tea, 3 sugar free gums ~ 40 cal

30 min abs workout

Can’t say I’m proud bc I hate myself way more for having gained so much weight and having to starve now instead of enjoying a skinny summer like last year

But I’m determined to continue this way and hopefully lose 15kg before september

I’m scared bc I know this “diet” of <50cal/day isn’t sustainable and may end in a huge binge but I’m either starving or bingeing all day sooo ‍♀️ and upset cos I wanna see results tomorrow and dunno if I can be this strict with my diet all summer

And I’m isolating a lot from friends/family, and I’m really anxious about food again

I’m spiralling and relapsing really hard but I wanna lose weight more than ever

• 48h into my 110h 165h fast

1 tea, 2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 2 cinnamon candies, 1 gum ~ 15 cal

12 minutes weigh loss pilates

I feel really tired and sluggish, I nearly didn’t move from my couch today. I’m depressed and also angry at myself bc I didn’t work out very much.

When I see posts saying some people are exercising to the point of fainting I’m ashamed bc I never exercise that much. I don’t have willpower. I want a toned and skinny body but I’m not pushing myself hard enough. I feel like a failure and a lazy fatass.

• 72h into my 110h 165h fast

2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 2 teas, 2 gums, ½ stock cube ~ 30 cals

Walked 2h30, 14000 steps

Wasn’t a bad day, finally went outside, i went to the botanical garden bc I love plants and they sooth me

I also put on my jeans (size 6) and they were looser than usual ! This is the motivation I need to keep fasting and restricting! Hopefully I’ll be able to lose those 15kg for september if I keep going on and fast more

Can’t wait to wear my size 0 clothes again

• 96h into my 110h 165h fast

1 black coffee, 1 glass of 0cal lemonade, 2 gums ~ 10cals

1h stretching yoga

Good day, wasn’t even hungry! I tried to do a 12min intense abs workout but had to stop at 5min bc I had back pain. So I switched for a back pain relief yoga

I’m satisfied that I acknowledged my pain, didn’t push too hard on my body, instead I listened to it and tried to help it.

But I’m also disappointed in myself bc I didn’t push me “hard enough” which makes me feel like I’m not making efforts to lose (even if i’m currently in a 5 days fast lmaoo)

• 120h ino my 165h fast

1 coffee, 1 glass of 0cal lemonade, 1 gum ~ 5 cals

35 min of Chloe Ting workouts

I weighed myself this morning and had a breakdown. I thought after 4 days of fasting I would’ve lost some weight but no i’m 58kg which is my hw and I wanna kms.

So I did harder workout and I’m prolonging my fast. Apparently if I exercise 5x/week and eat 300 cals/day, I should lose 15kg by september.

I’m going to fast a few times more, maybe 3x 5 days so I’ll be eating less than 300cals on the average.

• 144h into my 165h fast

1 coffee, 2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 1 gum ~ 5 cals

30min back pain workout, 25min of Chloe Ting Body & Abs workout

I’ve lost 0.5kg (1.1 lb) since yesterday sooo good I guess? I’m not bloated anymore and I can slightly see some abs when I raise my arms :)

I’m barely hungry, I don’t wanna eat anymore (I watch mukbangs and supersize vs superskinny instead to stop my urges to eat lmao)

It also makes me anxious bc i’m scared that when I’ll start eating again, I’ll gain even if it’s <200 cals I dunno

I think I’m gonna start a fast at midnight and end it on monday at 12pm

So it will be a 132h fast, never did one this long but I reaaaally need to lose a ton of weight as fast as possible

I hope I’ll be able to do it without ending bingeing

Old body check

April Stats

Before weight: 158,4 lbs

After weight: 145,6 lbs

Weight lost: 12,8 pounds

Goal Weight for May: 130 pounds