Mothers

Honestly my mom is so incredible, I don’t give her enough appreciation or recognition. Obviously this post isn’t going to show her how much I appreciate everything she does, but maybe it will encourage me to let her know that she is out of this world. Honestly. While going through the worst time of her life, she had to watch her own daughter destroy herself, yet she still loves me, she never stopped. Every step of the way she is fighting harder even than i’m fighting, yet she is putting up with me at the same time, and doing every single thing to make me happy. And through all this, no matter how much it’s hurting her, she remains strong and she gets on with things and she keeps things going for my siblings too. Wow. I don’t envy being in that position one bit - I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy - but my goodness does she handle it well. So much love.

10:43pm

There are some times when i’m just SO HAPPY, like I just forget everything and I feel wildly happy. For me I know it’s important to get the right balance, because when I feel like this it’s because I forget about everything that’s going on and just live in the moment. I know that ignoring the illness and not facing up to it isn’t going to help me, but at the same time it doesn’t define me. It’s so liberating to just lie on the floor with my sister and laugh at the silliest things, to sing my favourite songs at the top of my lungs, to forget everything else and just be me again for a few moments. Maybe this is part of recovery. I hope it is, because i enjoy it. There’s a long way to go, and I’ve got to stop ignoring my problems, but i’m glad that i’m able to have these times of happiness.

15:45

There doesn’t always have to be a reason you’re having a bad day.
You don’t always know why you’re feeling so upset.
Some days are just harder than others.
But you will get through them.
I’m telling you, i know they seem like they’ll last forever, that every day is going to be just that bad but it’s not true. I’ve been there, believe me, i was there yesterday, but it can only last for so long and you come out on the other side. Maybe not stronger, i’m not going to lie, sometimes what doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling a hell of a lot weaker, but you can fight back.
Take each new day as it comes, it’s a new chance. You’ve got this.

 To look back one day and think “I fucking made it” – Guest Submission

(Please don’t add negative comments to these posts.)

You survived because the fire inside of you was greater than the fire around you.

“Monday 3 p.m. [January 16, 1950]

Your letter at last! How weightless, how light the air is, how I breathe better! Just think: nothing since Friday, nothing since that sad letter… But it’s all over, the sun that floods into my room is leaping up and down all over the place. I love you and I’ll wait, yes I’ll wait for everything to find you at last, alive, happy, desiring… Yesterday I completed my program. That is to say, I wrote sixteen letters. There are still as many left. But I’ve worked out a little form that I’ll send to all the unwelcome and even to the others. It’s like, “Mr. AC, who is ill, apologizes for not being able to… etc.” With this I’ll liquidate everything and I’ll be able to think about my work at leisure.

I’m so ashamed that I’ve done almost nothing in two weeks! On the other hand, my appetite has returned. I look good and I seem to have put on weight. I sleep much better. From time to time an insomnia of two or three hours, but more rare. I am afraid of them, because then the imagination works too much. Last night I went through your whole life, I mean everything I know about it. Then I wait for the morning and the sun that puts the shadows on the run. Last night Kim’s master came to pick him up. He had dinner here and I said goodbye to the beast.

I don’t care if you sum up your days. But do this for me: be clear. Never put: “At 4 o'clock, an appointment.” Say with whom. I know it’s stupid, but it helps me. You understand me, by the way. You did well to advise Serge in the sense that you’re telling me. There’s no reason to deceive the audience. This Chinese system goes well with the Elite Theater! My dear love, my black, my beautiful, my lukewarm, what a desire I have for your presence, your warmth. I think of the little room suspended above Paris, of the falling evening, of the glow of the radiator and of us, linked to each other, in the penumbra… I also dream that I am walking through Paris with you, and that we are listing restaurants…

Darling, there was also sweetness, laughter, sweet complicity, infinite tenderness between us. And this is what I also regret, at my hours, as at others I regret the storm of desire, or the perfect hour near the lake, in the sky of Ermenonville. It is you as a whole that I regret. And if I desire so much to have the strength to sink into my work it is to be able to arrive at spring, free in heart and mind, and melt totally into you. Write every day, if you can. Give me the dates of your shows. And send me your love, Maria darling, I use it every hour. How I kiss you! Until it wears off, precisely, my beautiful face…

Monday 10 p.m. [January 16, 1950]

After writing to you this afternoon, we went for a little walk in a group. The light was beautiful, but I was bored. I love this country in solitude. It was getting cold under the sun. I went home and started working. I redid my preface and wrote about half of it. I thought of you, I was warm at heart. Dinner and then a moment by the fire. No one was talking, so I came alive, I said stupid things, I laughed. Those lonely excesses leave you sad afterwards.

I went back to my room, got into bed, and there you are. The wind picked up outside and blew around the house. But the room is warm. I can imagine you. I love you. I’m caressing you. Close to you, even closer… I love the night, with you, the enclosed spaces, the secluded countryside, the ends of the world, but with you. So I wait, with patience or with rage, I wait for those moments when the world is depopulated, when everything is silent, when there is only us and those black horses, you know. My darling love, wait, my love, come back soon. And until then be strong and patient, armed with all my faithful love. I kiss you endlessly.”

Albert Camus to Maria Casarès, Correspondance, January 16, 1950 [#130]

Hello everyone!

New blog post is up!

http://mariahbelieves.blogspot.com/

Audrey Hepburn

The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.

:’)

Stay strong

Romantic Indulgence.

You could call me a romantic, and you would be good and right. Maybe it’s that my favorite color is a soft pink or that I like long hair with frizzy curls. I am never so inspired as when I see a photograph of a pretty woman dressed in pretty lace with pretty frills and a pretty face. To be feminine is to be soft and sweet like strawberries and feathers. It is warm and consistent and safe. So many try to destroy the foundation of what it is to be a body that is made to create. We are built beautifully and with purpose, and that makes us anything but weak. To indulge in those little fantasies of a better reality is a sign of our nurturing minds searching for answers in the hopes, someday, we can help the whole world to float. So, yes, you could call me a romantic and that is quite nice.

I have the best partner I could want, and I treat her like shit. Why? Because I don’t know how to let her be herself, and I don’t know how to properly comfort her when she wants it and needs it. I should be more empathetic, not angry because I don’t understand.. it’s so hard for me to lower my guard, I’m trying so so so hard for you. I want to grow with you, not tear one another apart. I love you, and I want to cherish you and be by your side, not facing against you. I’m terribly sorry for my actions towards you, and for the words that I direct at you that are offensive. I hope you can forgive me. I’m sorry, and I love you. - J

I’m making premium versions of my morse code bracelets using semi-precious stone beads! @ KiassenCreates on Etsy

Use promo code FIVEPLUS for 15% off your final total when purchasing 5 or more items.

Working on a new series of illustrations this month.