Uhhh… Does someone around my age wanna be fasting buddies because I need someone to hold my hand or else I will crack and eat?

Okay, I need to start starving myself again ASAP, if not because I’m simply fucked up, because a hot girl on a dating app asked if we could meet up at some time.

Sooo…

I’m back to this blog! I doubt my stay will be any more permanent than the last few times, but I guess I just wanted to provide a little update on myself.

In terms of my weight, things aren’t going very well. :( I’ve been sort of fluctuating and even going higher that what I would normally consider my base weight. I’m not sure exactly what is causing this; my best guess is that it could be stress. I haven’t even been weighing myself the past several weeks because it’s just too depressing for me to have to see the numbers going up.

In terms of my mental health, well… It depends on the day, or maybe even the hour. I’ve been stressing over work along with my regular anxieties. Though recently I haven’t been working due to illness (I’m pretty sure it’s not Covid but I still kind of want to get tested just in case). I’ve also recently gone on SSRI medication for anxiety, specifically generic Zoloft. I was honestly hoping to be put on a stimulant like Adderall or Vyvanse for my ADHD so that I could lose weight from it, but oh well, I guess. I can only do so much to control what my psychiatrist chooses to prescribe me. As much as I tried to put emphasis on my ADHD, I guess it was a bit more apparent(?) how much my anxiety was weighing on me.

Literally all I wanted to do tonight was to cook food and bake sweets for my family, it was all I had to look forward to in my mind, but now I can’t do it because I couldn’t get anyone to take me to the store to buy groceries and I can’t drive. So now I’m having a fucking breakdown and crying my eyes out, and all I want to fucking do is starve to take SOME kind of control over SOMETHING.

Maybe it’s a stupid thing to cry over, and maybe it’s my own fault for not having a license and only making plans for things at the last minute, but I just can’t fucking stand how depressed I get every Christmas. I really thought for a second that maybe I could make it different this year but now it’s even worse; having that split second of hope and then failing again anyway hurts even worse.

I’m a mess. A Mess. Every time I think I’ve finished crying and try to distract myself, the tears just start up again.

I wanna starve, starve, starve, STARVE.

LAST WEEK’S STATS (09.20.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 153.2lbs (69.5kg)
BF: 28.2%
BMI: 28.0 (Overweight)

NEW STATS (09.27.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 156.8lbs (71.1kg)
BF: 29.1%
BMI: 28.7 (Overweight)

IGAINEDby: +3.6lbs (+1.6kg), +1.5% BF, & +0.5 BMI Points

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Perhaps choosing to attempt eating a healthy amount of calories for weight loss was ✨a mistake.✨ Can y’all believe I had negative net calories every day for the entire week but STILL gained in the end???? Not even gonna lie, I’m seriously feeling scammed right now, what the fuck. 

Recap of This Week’s Calorie Intake Here

LAST WEEK’S STATS (09.13.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 159.8lbs (72.5kg)
BF:29.8%
BMI: 29.2 (Overweight)

NEW STATS (09.20.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 153.2lbs (69.5kg)
BF:28.2%
BMI: 28.0 (Overweight)

ILOSTby: -6.6lbs (-3kg), -1.6% BF, & -1.2 BMI Points

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I guess that’s what happens when you only eat 3,490cal the whole week and also burn 14,309cal in total in the same week. ‍♀️ I’m going to try taking it easy for the first few days of this week (09.20 - 09.26), but I’m so excited right now; going back down to, or even past, my LW by next week should totally be a piece of cake!!

Holy shit. I actually lost weight for once.

LAST WEEK’S STATS (09.06.20)

Height: 5′2″ (157cm)

Weight:162.0lbs (73.5kg)

BF:30.6%

BMI:29.6 (Overweight)

NEW STATS (09.13.20)

Height: 5'2" (157cm)

Weight: 159.8lbs (72.5kg)

BF: 29.8%

BMI: 29.2 (Overweight)

ILOSTby: -2.2lbs (-1kg), -0.8% BF, & -0.4 BMI Points

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Proof for myself that you don’t need to water fast or jump into low restriction to lose weight, high* restriction can also be effective, and slow weight loss is still weight loss. What a concept!

*Different people have different definitions of what is a “high restriction”. For myself, I automatically consider 4 digit numbers, including 1,000, to be high restriction. So, I consider this past week of keeping my daily intake at ~1,000cal or lower to be high restriction.

Not to be nasty in the ana tags and shit, but…

Anybody wanna h*ld h*nds with me so my weak-willed ass can feel supported and get through this fucking fast? OML

Please read this.

I’m deleting tumblr, forever.

Why?

Because I’m sick of this, I’m sick of starving myself, I’m sick of wanting to look weak and frail, I’m sick of trying to be the perfect weight thinking it will make me happy.

It wont. Reaching your goal weight wont make you happy, being so sick and frail to the point where you cant even stand will not make you happy. It’s just gonna get worse and worse until one of your family members finds your lifeless, cold body on the floor.

For so fucking long I’ve thought that theres no other way, theres no other way to lose weight because nothing else worked. But that’s simply not true. There IS a better way, a way where you can feel energized and feel full and STILL lose weight in a healthy way. Plus, you’ll be able to workout and actually enjoy it and FEEL yourself becoming stronger day by day.

I promise you there is nothing better than feeling physically and emotionally strong. I mean, just imagine being able to lift 200 pounds, run 10 miles, doing 50 pushups in a row? Imagine the strength your body can possess. Just imagine what your body can do!

Please dont throw your body away. I know you think you cant do it. I feel the same a lot of the times. I mean, I’ve struggled with an ED for 5 years now, trust me I still have my doubts.

But you have to push through! Its going to be hard, and exhausting, and draining, but you CAN do it.

You just have to keep trying. Please.