IM SORRY BUT I HAVE TO RESPECTFULLY DECLINE I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN TRY THAT
YOU CAN’T KNOW IT’S BAD IF YOU HAVEN’T TRIED IT, BUG!!
I KNOW WHAT NUTELLA TASTES LIKE AND I KNOW WHAT GREEN BELL PEPPERS TASTE LIKE AND MY TONGUE SAYS N O
I’m going to block all of you and move to a cave
its been two weeks since you moved into your cave. you’re now running low on the bag of safe foods you brought with you because you didn’t think this through very well. “at least i’m finally safe now…” you say to yourself as you arrange your comfy rock bed.
you hear breathing behind you and turn around to see@purpleskiesandcryingovercals holding a jar of nutella and a green bell pepper. “you can’t know it’s bad if you’ve never tried it :)” she says as she tries to feed you a bite
you realize you could never escape - no matter how far you ran.
I love you and will kill you for this
DO IT, I DESERVE IT
As Purpleskies draws closer, preparing to strangle me with the poison she calls ‘Nutella on bell peppers’, time slows to a halt. It is as though my life is flashing before my eyes, my doom unavoidable.
I realise then, that the cave I have been inhabiting alone for all this time, was not empty at all. Behind the rocks, the far end of the cave, another dwells. He tries to run, to escape the fate that I have been condemned to, but it is too late.
“I see you, @a-bug-with-an-ed won’t you have some too?” They say, smiling sweetly as though it can conceal the villainy that radiates from their very bones.
“No,”@a-bug-with-an-ed gasps, horrified, “Never, not over my dead body.”
But alas, nobody can escape the fate of nutella on bell pepper. Not even @a-bug-with-an-ed
hhhh;;; hey so i logged off for awhile and now inrealize that one of my fav moots (diett-tears / trashcanonfire1) got t’d :((( so if y’all could help me find them thank you so much <3!!
Not me failing at high restriction. I was aiming to limit myself to 1,500cal at most, but of course one of my parents has to suddenly decided to bring Chinese takeout home for everybody on the day I start trying to do daily accountability posts again. I guess I should have expected to fuck up the first day back when it’s been quite a while since I actually starved myself anyways. Oh well, I won’t let this stop me from trying to restrict tomorrow or the day after. I’m sure it won’t be long until I start getting restless and begin naturally restricting more and more as time goes on also.
Also, I apologize to anyone that finds the formatting of this post kind of ugly; I’ve never really known how to make my daily accountability posts look particularly nice and neat.
I’m back to this blog! I doubt my stay will be any more permanent than the last few times, but I guess I just wanted to provide a little update on myself.
In terms of my weight, things aren’t going very well. :( I’ve been sort of fluctuating and even going higher that what I would normally consider my base weight. I’m not sure exactly what is causing this; my best guess is that it could be stress. I haven’t even been weighing myself the past several weeks because it’s just too depressing for me to have to see the numbers going up.
In terms of my mental health, well… It depends on the day, or maybe even the hour. I’ve been stressing over work along with my regular anxieties. Though recently I haven’t been working due to illness (I’m pretty sure it’s not Covid but I still kind of want to get tested just in case). I’ve also recently gone on SSRI medication for anxiety, specifically generic Zoloft. I was honestly hoping to be put on a stimulant like Adderall or Vyvanse for my ADHD so that I could lose weight from it, but oh well, I guess. I can only do so much to control what my psychiatrist chooses to prescribe me. As much as I tried to put emphasis on my ADHD, I guess it was a bit more apparent(?) how much my anxiety was weighing on me.
I have this habit where sometimes I will place a stick of gum in my mouth while I’m getting ready for work, then I chew it throughout my entire shift without switching it after it runs out of flavor and without taking it out to eat anything, and then, finally, I throw the gum away after I’ve gotten home and changed out of my uniform.
I find myself very proud of the restraint I display in not consuming any additional calories outside of the 5cal from the initial stick of gum during the 4 to sometimes even 10+ hours I spend at work. Not to mention the fact that I strangely find myself enjoying the taste of water more when I do this, even when there is no flavor left in my gum.
I’ve decided that I am going to attempt using this stategy to fast for longer periods of time. In my first ever attempt at this, I will see if I can fast for at least 48hrs (2 days) with one stick of gum in my mouth. My stretch goal will be 100hrs (a little over 4 days), though that may be difficult to achieve since I’m going to be working on day 3 and so I might need to eat that day in order to have strength for work. Like I said though, 100hrs is a stretch goal; I’ll be satisfied with just the initial 48hrs hours if that’s all I can do since it’s been quite a while since I’ve completed any sort of fast successfully. :)
Update: Unfortunately I only managed to do roughly 39hrs on my gum fast, because, when I got up from my mid-day sleeping session, I had temporarily forgotten about the fact that I was supposed to be fasting and unthinkingly ate a snack I found when I entered my kitchen. ♀️ 39hrs is better than nothing, but I’m still kind of disappointed in myself. Hopefully my next attempt at a fast goes better than this one, whenever it is.
It’s very early in the morning and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep or stop crying, and nothing can make me feel better it seems.
I literally have no idea how to describe this specific type of pain. I don’t feel like I’m a part of anything or that I have any sort of real identity. I feel so alienated from every community I’m supposedly a part of, and I don’t know how to fix it. It feels like there’s not even a point in trying. I’ve spent over two decades of my life feeling like an outsider, how could I possibly change that at all? And the people in my life who MAYBE could help me… I can’t being myself to speak to any of them because of all the shame and humiliation I feel.
And so once again I scream into the void and I babble the vaguest of cries and complaints for the internet to possibly read. Pathetic.
Going on a water fast and I can already feel it going well! All I have to do is find things to hyperfocus on for the next few days so I remain distracted from the idea of eating food. Maybe neurodivergence does have some advantages.
Today is day one and I haven’t weighed myself yet, but it’s not really a problem since I know how much weight I tend to lose during fasts, so I can take my weight later and then just add to it to get my beginning weight.
Me coming back to this post after ruining my fast and gaining weight:
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So it turns out that even though my plan seemed full-proof, my forgetful and impulsive ND brain chose to ignore it. RIP.
And then I also found out that one of the batteries in my smart scale actually leaked battery acid and corroded the metal bits in the battery compartment of the scale, so I ended up having to use a regular scale to weight myself last week. Luckily, I’ve learned how to clean up the corrosion and could weight myself today, but I’m not sure if I want to do a stats update on here since I don’t have the body fat percentage of last week + I gained slightly.
Going on a water fast and I can already feel it going well! All I have to do is find things to hyperfocus on for the next few days so I remain distracted from the idea of eating food. Maybe neurodivergence does have some advantages.
Today is day one and I haven’t weighed myself yet, but it’s not really a problem since I know how much weight I tend to lose during fasts, so I can take my weight later and then just add to it to get my beginning weight.
Literally all I wanted to do tonight was to cook food and bake sweets for my family, it was all I had to look forward to in my mind, but now I can’t do it because I couldn’t get anyone to take me to the store to buy groceries and I can’t drive. So now I’m having a fucking breakdown and crying my eyes out, and all I want to fucking do is starve to take SOME kind of control over SOMETHING.
Maybe it’s a stupid thing to cry over, and maybe it’s my own fault for not having a license and only making plans for things at the last minute, but I just can’t fucking stand how depressed I get every Christmas. I really thought for a second that maybe I could make it different this year but now it’s even worse; having that split second of hope and then failing again anyway hurts even worse.
I’m a mess. A Mess. Every time I think I’ve finished crying and try to distract myself, the tears just start up again.
My brain when my desire to look like a Monster High Skelita doll and my desire to have a juicy ass like Doja Cat start squaring up against each other in my thoughts at 2am again
I bought new underwear today but they don’t fit exactly how I wanted them to, so I’m going to try to see if they’ll fit right if I fast for an entire week (Sun-Sat)! Both of my parents are going to be out of town for the entire week too, so I don’t have to worry about any homecooked meals getting in my way!!
I’m gonna drink one last caloric drink before bed and then I’m going to use the toilet and weight myself after I wake up and log my new stats in a reblog of this post. See you guys (whoever sees this, if anyone) then!
Measured my new stats this morning and I wanna die. How’d I let myself reach obese status? I’m definitely making the right decision to fast this week.
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NEW STATS
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 165.6lbs (75.1kg)
BF:31.8%
BMI: 30.3 (Obese)
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If things go well, I should be around 153lbs (69.4kg) with a BMI of around 28.0 at the end of my fast. Wish me luck; I’m gonna need it.
Okay, I’m a dumb bitch and keep failing really badly, so I’m changing my plans.
I’m gonna just stick to a few foods to snack on for the next couple of days, no meals or full plates, no cooked or processed food (besides dry cereal and crackers), and my drinks are limited to water, diet soda, and Arizona Lite (obviously that has calories, but I can’t help myself ). Anything outside of the base guidelines has be purged, NO EXCEPTIONS.
I wish I could have the same level of discipline to fast for days as I had before, but I guess I have to work myself back up to that level of control.
