That one TikTok audio that goes like “This is the best idea I ever had! … That’s the worst idea you ever had!”, but the video is my restrictive ED telling me “Wouldn’t it be so fun to date and/or live with another sapphic anorexic? What if sapphic anas had a secret code on their dating profiles to identify each other easily? :)” and then the so-called “normal” part of me going “You seriously need to get help. Forreal.”
It’s very early in the morning and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep or stop crying, and nothing can make me feel better it seems.
I literally have no idea how to describe this specific type of pain. I don’t feel like I’m a part of anything or that I have any sort of real identity. I feel so alienated from every community I’m supposedly a part of, and I don’t know how to fix it. It feels like there’s not even a point in trying. I’ve spent over two decades of my life feeling like an outsider, how could I possibly change that at all? And the people in my life who MAYBE could help me… I can’t being myself to speak to any of them because of all the shame and humiliation I feel.
And so once again I scream into the void and I babble the vaguest of cries and complaints for the internet to possibly read. Pathetic.
Literally all I wanted to do tonight was to cook food and bake sweets for my family, it was all I had to look forward to in my mind, but now I can’t do it because I couldn’t get anyone to take me to the store to buy groceries and I can’t drive. So now I’m having a fucking breakdown and crying my eyes out, and all I want to fucking do is starve to take SOME kind of control over SOMETHING.
Maybe it’s a stupid thing to cry over, and maybe it’s my own fault for not having a license and only making plans for things at the last minute, but I just can’t fucking stand how depressed I get every Christmas. I really thought for a second that maybe I could make it different this year but now it’s even worse; having that split second of hope and then failing again anyway hurts even worse.
I’m a mess. A Mess. Every time I think I’ve finished crying and try to distract myself, the tears just start up again.
Okay, so, I’m probably definitely going to weigh more on my next weigh day than I did on my last because I’ve SERIOUSLY been slacking. But on the bright side, I’m very close to running out of my personal food supply, so I think I’m going to start a fast at the beginning of next week when there’s probably not going to be anything left in my room to tempt me.
