In everything that I do. 

But these failures are my own. No one need to know them and be burderned with all my negativity. Everyone’s got their own problems, mine will always pale in comparison. 

Just let me be. I want to disappear.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I’m always feeling like I’m left out, or that I’m not wanted. The small microaggressions - these confused looks (like why is he still here?), these tensing of muscles when I say hello, the straighening of backs, the language used, I know they don’t want me here. 

I joined the acroyoga community in my city with the hopes of starting something new. New people, new experiences, and a seemingly accepting community. I hadn’t been doing yoga itself long, but I wanted to explore the applications of the activity. Plus, I’ve always wanted to be an acrobat, so why not start now? 

It was great, learning new things, trying to find balance and stillness, pushing my mind and muscles to different heights (literally and figuratively). There were always new people, some that had been doing it longer. So I came to more classes. And more sessions. Until I finally went to an immersion - which was great. A lot of spotters, a lot of teachers, giving advice and small adjustments to make everyone who attended so much better at basing or flying. 

But I was slowly realizing something. People progress at different rates, I understand, but there was something else. Some things I just couldn’t get. They knew to be flyers or bases. I’m sort of in between, but I can’t do both. I’m terrible at both. 

I’m short. 5′2″. But also a guy. So naturally, people will assume I’m a base. And they’ll put me there, but my legs aren’t that strong. They don’t have that stability that bases have to hold people up with one leg or to bring people in towards center. Yet people insist on jumping on me. My short legs don’t help when I’m trying to fly them and their arms and legs just hit the floor. 

On flying - I’m short, but also heavy. People have a hard time basing me. Most all the people. And people who can base me have a hard time. It’s one thing that a base says, “sorry, you’re too heavy for me” or “you’re heavier than you look.” But hearing it multiple times, from multiple sources says I shouldn’t be a flyer. I’m too damn fat. 

It hurts more when flyers try to use me as a base, have trouble, then go to other bases who’ve had the same experience as me, do the same thing with much less effort.

I’ve never felt so self-conscious about my body than in acro yoga. I can’t do any of it. What doesn’t help is the teacher that I started with, whose classes I started going to many of, has started treating me differently. 

I don’t feel as welcome anymore with her. And that just makes me feel awkward as fuck in classes. I try to laugh it off, and have fun, but she snaps and the impression I get is that we shouldn’t be laughing or having fun. Even though I see her laughing with other groups. It’s a bit of jealousy, yes, but we’re not being dangerous. We’re trying to have fun, and if you can’t learn to laugh at yourself, life’s going to seem a whole lot longer than you want it to be. 

Yet, the teacher says, with furrowed brow, and stern look that says, “stop laughing,” that we shouldn’t be falling. Which is true, but we’re making progress before each fall. I was under the impression that the community was supposed to be inclusive.

We try to have fun and learn at the same time. Associate new comers with positive experiences so they can come back and continue to learn. Associate most experiences with positive thoughts, and the result is generally a good one. I try to push through, and understand that my body is smaller, denser, but not as strong as it looks. It’s just my fucking body type. 

And I feel terrible because of it. 

It’s easier said than done to not let other peoples’ words and nonverbal body language get to you. Especially when my anxiety and intrusive thoughts say those same things - You don’t belong.  

I’m a burden. 

I. 

Don’t. 

Belong. 

And it fucking hurts. Yet, I still do it. Or at least try to, because I’m starting to resent that teacher, because there is a war going on inside of me. Am I projecting? Am I blaming others for how I’m feeling? 

Probably. The problem is almost always going to be me. It’s my fault I’m feeling like shit about myself, my body. I was born this way and now I feel bad for trying to laugh off some setbacks/failures//learning points. (I prefer the term “learning point” rather than “failing”)

I’m just being a big fucking baby for complaining about how a teacher makes me feel ostracized. How an entire sport makes me feel unwelcome and more self-conscious than ever. How I feel like absolute shit now that I can’t have fun any more. I keep telling myself I’m going to talk to them. If they’re a good teacher, feedback is always welcome, right? 

It’s back.

So numb again, the only way I can feel anything is that damn blade. And soreness.

I eat out of habit. Not out of hunger. I can’t feel that anymore. I don’t deserve to enjoy this food. Everything I touch, everyone I try to help just turns out worse.

I’m a coward of I end it, but I’m a coward if I don’t. I offer no good thing to anyone. I’m a burden to everyone, it’ll suck for them in the short term, but in the long term, it’ll be a blessing.

They won’t have to deal with me. No one will. My gift. The only time I’m doing something right.

I fucking hate this.

And as an addendum, I tried letting things cool down before writing that. I guess that was a “lightened version.”  

Reverting back to reminding myself that I’m alive, but I deserve all the pain and suffering coming my why. Because I’m a failure. 

Fail. Failure. Failure. I am a failure. I will always be a failure. And failures do not deserve success. We can’t even die right, because it’s a burden on those alive. It’s stuck in the goddamn middle and what the hell are we supposed to do? 

I can’t even die right. It’s slow and painful because maybe that’s what I deserve. I don’t deserve whatever future people think they think I deserve. Because they don’t know me. And if they did, they would pity me. They would “coddle” me with their fake “love” and “affection.” 

I hate being touched. I hate physical contact. I don’t deserve it. 

But there are other parts of me that love hugs, because that’s what he loves. I hate that person. And we can’t even recognize in ourselves in the mirror anymore. 

Let me go.

Its almost the end of the year and we’re all ‘reflecting’ at the end of another 365 days.

At the beginning of 2016 I made the decision to not set a list of resolutions to accomplish by the end of the year because quite frankly setting such resolutions for the end of the year only sets you up for failure. Instead, I decided that each morning I wake up I will write a list of things to accomplish…

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Your college rejections do not define you.

You’ve worked so hard and you deserve the world. Don’t let this one thing hurt your spirit ❤️

Challenge update:

Yeah, I’ve basically failed my own challenge

Once things calm down I am going to restart it. I won’t have to babysit on the weekends and hopefully I will be on a set 2nd shift schedule at work.

Also I will be able to go grocery shopping on Saturday so I can get water (more importantly caffeinated water) so I don’t have to drink coffee if I have a morning shift.

I will have time after work to also meditate since I won’t have to rush to get things done and go to bed for an early shift.

Also, I am leaving work and rejoining the gym. So I will be working out again starting tomorrow. (I don’t have workout clothes with me today)

why is so hard understand my own feelings?

Amnésia: Rebirth

for everyone who’s feeling alone, sad, depressed, in anger or just wanna talk, you’re very welcome

sad posting - Group Chat on Tumblr

OC by: bifedeunicornio

teen suicide - the same things happening to me all the time, even in my dreams

Bold prediction to a worst-case scenario in the time of the Covid-19 where technology fails people and they reverse to basic instincts. This is what Ballard wrote in his amazing novel “Highrise” in 1975 after power went out in the fictional high-tech housing plex, while tenants slowly descended into chaos because they couldn’t live peacefully without electricity.

The story was adapted into the 2015 movie starring Tom Hiddleston along with Sienna Miller and Jeremy Irons. Humans have this connection to technology where, once missing, it brings to the surface the inability of society to adapt and to live in harmony. This can be described as the forfeit of people to take back certain tasks and responsibilities to their core, where too much has been delegated to automation to the point of loosing any ability to recuparate it.

Can we turn to candle-making or to plow and harvest fields solely using our memory and hands? Perhaps only a small percentage share of population can do that, wether by trade or through inner passion; however, we are confined to become hopeless whenever a fuse goes off for a few hours. A lot of faith and our modern existence has been placed on electricity with everything else that comes with. The generations born into the digital age have forgotten how to use cursive because they don-t write that much, they type and we cannot blame them.

Survival in case of major power failure is held by certain moral standards of avoiding descending into panic. Composure of the masses will be the hardest task, but it’s what will lead us to safety should the worst-case scenario happen leaving us without technology for weeks, if not months.

No caption needed for this -Limpnoodle

I don’t wanna be me anymore