I talked to a guy that is interested in me about my anorexia and he really had the audacity:

“Oh yeah I feel like that sometimes too, like I won’t feel like eating breakfast sometimes”

Like wtf man. No.

I don’t know if Im happy or sad

But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.

Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.

At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.

It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.

Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.

Anyways,

PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,

HYDRATE,

STAY SAFE,

AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!

My main trigger is when people get mad at me.

Alls you gotta do it yell at me and next thing you know I’m downing laxatives and purging my guts out. I don’t know why, but I can’t handle anyone being unhappy with me. I can’t handle being fussed at or being disliked, even though, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s like my mind just immediately goes to “well, time to throw up” in those moments, even if I’m not sad.

I get confused and irritated, but it doesn’t scare or hurt me anymore. Just, gotta make myself throw up and starve for a few days then I’m a-ok again

People are always like, “you’ll regret not spending time with [insert old relative’s name here] once they’re gone. Literally no. Fuck that. I called my 83-year-old grandmother the other day and she defended reconnecting with the cousins (her other grandchildren) who abused my sisters and me by telling me that they "aren’t very bright” and that she needs car rides from them. That was after she insisted that my childhood was perfect and that she was basically a martyr. I’m sorry, but I can’t love this person or most of my other extended “family.” I tried.

Do you want the honest truth about looking and feeling so different in the workplace? Yes, it is difficult to have multiple marginalized identities AND also dress differently/have visible tattoos. There will always be people who will hate me before they get to know me. There will always be whispers. There will always be stares. But you know what? Being open about who I am has literally saved my life, again and again. I have seen too much and have fought too hard to let ignorance and fear stop me from being a full, participating person in this society. I am aware that I was also born into groups with privilege, and I will continue to use those privileges to fight for others. My mission is to help in some small way to tear down this broken system and create a better world - for you, for me, for all of us.

Me, explaining why I don’t connect with people

Becky: The clueless friend

Jane: The responsible friend

Issa: The funny friend

Me: The friend who disappears for a year and returns with a shaved head, 14 tattoos, 11 cats, and random facts about space or something.

Inktober Day 8 Frail.

When you hit your breaking point, your mind is as frail as glass.

Never loved.

I will never do something like that ever.

I promise

I will be fine on my own.

You love and love a person until you are an empty shell,

But even when they are full, they would still never be the person they promised you the first.

I don’t have energy anymore to make someone stay who doesn’t want to.

Live me when I am unlovable,

Love me the most.

Via@themindsjournalposts

You were my yellow paint.