“Don’t dwell on the past. Your history can’t be erased, but your future has yet to be written. Make the most of what’s going to happen instead of worrying about what you can’t change. Don’t waste your time being sad, because you’re wasting away moments in which you could be happy. It’s taken me awhile, but i’m learning that letting go of the past is a good thing. It doesn’t mean forgetting, it just means moving on. And you can’t enjoy the present when you’re stuck in the past. Don’t cry for what might have been, don’t live in the past. It was supposed to be forever? Well forever doesn’t always lasts. Lift your head and dry your tears, forget about yesterday. We had the time of our life, but we must move on. Let it fade away.”
i know its painful when someone you thought will be your forever just turns out to be another heartbreak. its hard to let go of someone who made you feel safe and needed. maybe you’ll even promise that you will never love another again.
but you will be okay. you will pick yourself up once more, like you always have. you’ll learn to let go and continue your own path.
i hope you’re able to see the love around you again.
you dont know how sick you were until you detach yourself from the environment that gave you the disease. you dont know how shitty you were treated until you let go of all the negative beliefs and habits that you developed. you dont know how strong you were until you realised that you have held on for so long and survived.
i know i should not have fallen in love with you. we will never be together and that your heart belongs to someone else.
but what am i suppose to do when words are stuck in the back of my throat every time you smile at me? what am i suppose to do when my breathing stops whenever you lean in close to me? what am i suppose to do when i feel lightheaded every time you say my name?
and the worst part is that you dont even like girls. you hold so much power over me without even knowing it.
So yeah.. I just found out I was pregnant on November 23. I’m pregnant.. I’m pregnant with a little baby. I’m so excited! I knew November 23 would be a significant day but not because of this! But look here’s the thing, I want to keep my baby but my boyfriend wants me to abort it.. and it hurts my heart. Everytime we talk about it he says “baby, you know we aren’t ready. We can’t even afford a baby or even take care of one.” Well I know what I’m capable of and I know for sure I can take care of my baby! And my birthday was miserable because that’s all I could think of, him asking me to get an abortion. I’m seriously just thinking about moving away from him and raising my baby myself. And I say my baby because he doesn’t even want it! He doesn’t even WANT OUR BABY! It literally makes my sick to my fucking stomach and super emotional. So emotional I cried my entire birthday! I cried MY ENTIRE BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO ABORT MY BABY! My ex boyfriend got me pregnant 3 times and forced me, well guilt trapped me into getting an abortion three times! THREE TIMES! He told me he wouldn’t be with me if I didn’t, and that he knew we weren’t ready.. and yeah I was 18, 19, and 20 when this happened so he was partly right but now I’m 24 and I determined to care for my little one. I love my baby so much already and I don’t even know how many weeks I am. I just want to be a great mom to my child but my boyfriend doesn’t even want it! I’m about to start crying now talking about it and I don’t even cry often! God my heart hurts, my heart hurts so bad because he just brushes off the subject like it’s what we’re supposed to do. But I made an appointment for December 12 to get the abortion but I highly doubt I’ll go, highly doubt? No I’m certain I won’t go… I might just cut my boyfriend off and raise my child on my own. Move to a different city and start fresh. I know that seems sort of childish but he doesn’t even want our baby. And the day I found out I was pregnant I called my best friend, she also has a baby who she’s raising on her own and she told me she’ll help me out no matter what! And I believe her. I feel like she wants this baby more than him.. Oh! And you know what else he said? He said “we barely know each other, our relationship is brand new (even though we’ve been together for a year plus) and we just aren’t ready for this…” what?! You can cum in me but you can’t man up and raise YOUR baby? My body can’t handle another abortion I know this for sure and I refuse to even think about getting another one. It’s time for me to grow up and finally think about someone besides myself. I’ll do anything and I mean anything for this baby! I won’t go poor for my baby I’ll get rich! We’ll travel around the world and experience new things together. I just want my child to have what I never did. But I feel like I’ve gone on long enough.. I’ll update you soon, talk to you later!
About a month ago I decided to stop dating, because I realized that I kept repeating the same dating pattern. Even though I felt ready to share my life, I kept meeting emotionally unavailable men that were not interested in a real commitment.
So, here we are about 4 weeks later and some interesting things have been happening. About a week into my non-dating challenge, I noticed that I was thinking about several of my exes. I caught myself looking at their social media and even hoping to hear from them. These are exes that I no longer have any feelings for whatsoever. And so when I noticed this I was quite surprised, why the hell am I interested in this person again?
I realized I am interested in them, because I can’t have them. Since they had also become off limits, they were suddenly interesting to me. And then it hit me, I have always been obsessed with either a goal, an object or a person. All my life I have been chasing something, with the hope that it will bring me happiness. As long as there is something I can chase, I can keep fooling myself that happiness is something to strive for. And THIS is the reason why I can’t let go of Alex. This is why I can’t let the hope go, that he is going to come back and profess his love for me. I keep hoping, because I honestly believe that I need to keep chasing something.
Suddenly I became aware of how false this belief is. I looked back at my life and at all the things I had obsessed about, that I eventually got. The time when I was 13 and obsessed with buying a Haley Duff album, my first boyfriend that I was obsessively in love with for months before getting together, all the pairs of shoes I had obsessed about before buying, my obsession with being skinnier and the time I lost about 15 kg.. and the list continues.. I looked back at these experiences and I understood something: the fantasy happiness that my obsessions promised, had always remained a fantasy. The Duff album had made me happy for a week, my first relationship had become “normal” very quick, all my shoes had become just another pair in my closet and my “new and improved body” was no longer something special. In each and every case, the experience I had obsessively chased quickly became yet another normal experience. Everything had always lost its initial joy and I had always returned to my habit of chasing something new.
No person and no object has ever brought me true and lasting happiness. And so I saw very clearly, that my obsession with Alex is just another fantasy. I think he will make me happy, because I am addicted to the chase. It’s based on the false belief that happiness is something I need to chase, something in the future and never here and now.
Seeing this belief clearly, instantly helped me to release my obsession and all of the hope I was holding onto. However, seeing through this core belief also sent me into a short depression. For about a week I felt a certain contraction in my stomach and I had no energy to do anything. I just wanted to lay in bed and be by myself. If there is nothing worth chasing, what am I supposed to do in life?
I am so used to chasing, that when this mechanism fell away, I felt like there was nothing to live for. I wasn’t depressed in a suicidal kind of way, it felt more like an energetic resting. It was like I needed to process my new understanding and almost like I was mourning my old ways of living. Since the self-realization in January, I feel very guided. Often, I will go through a specific experience and at the same time I will know why it’s happening. This time I also knew, I need to give myself some space and the next step will become clear with time.
After a week of processing I started to feel better and my life energy was returning. Then I saw Alex again on several occasions, because we have some mutual friends. The first few times I felt fine. Sometimes I noticed I was still thinking about whether he was looking at me, but it wasn’t too obsessive. Then after seeing him a few times, I noticed he started to like my social media stuff again and this rekindled some of my hope. After that, we met again during another mutual friend meeting, where I didn’t expect him to be. And to my surprise I noticed I was very aware of his presence again and whether he was paying attention to me. This made me so frustrated, why does this keep continuing even though I clearly see the belief?! And then this knowing that has been guiding me whispered: perhaps the belief has not yet lost all of its power. It’s being triggered again so you can really let it go. And it’s true. I must admit that I have started to pursue things again, because somehow the here and now doesn’t feel enough. This can’t be it, happiness must be somewhere out there.
It’s so ridiculous to admit this, because intellectually I realize that it’s not true. But as with all of my beliefs and life lessons, I have learned that the first step is always to become conscious of it. Then, only after seeing the dysfunctional mechanism for a while, the real change will show up in life. I realize that for now I am seeing this belief and that it might take me some time to completely let it go. As frustrating as that is, I need to accept the way things are. What other choice do I have really? Reality is already the way it is and fighting it only creates unnecessary suffering.
No longer chasing things for happiness, means we get to do things for the pure joy of doing them. It’s not about any desired outcome. It’s like how an artist sings a song just for the pure joy of singing, he isn’t singing to get to the end of the song. I feel something in me is still fighting to let go of this belief because it wants to keep chasing. It’s the ego that keeps fighting, because it can only survive by struggling and chasing. If there is no struggle and no problem that needs to be fixed, what remains? What remains is this moment, right here and now.
For now I see this mechanism, and I know that it doesn’t have a lot of time left if I can see it so clearly. After awakening the ego and its beliefs still have momentum, but this will slowly come to a stop. On the one hand I can’t wait for the struggle to end and on the other hand “I” am terrified of completely stopping here and now. I know that letting go of the constant chase, means that the ego will really die. There will be nothing left for it to hold onto.Regardless of how I feel about it though, the process of the ego eroding away has started and I know there is no way back.
I hope you are doing well, wherever you are on your journey.
After years of trying to understand why my healing process took longer, I began to realize that this one was of a different nature. In this version of a heartbreak, I was the villain of the story. I was the one that got away. I was the one who burned all bridges, maybe in an impulsive haste. Healing was not what my soul craved, but forgiveness. Self-forgiveness. And what life’s been trying to tell me, during all these years of agony and self-loathing as a consequence of my actions, is that forgiving yourself is harder and more challenging than forgiving others, but it’s a necessary step for moving on.
