tomorrow will be my one week weigh in and im so nervous

cravings cravings cravings

see this is why i need followers. anytime i think about eating i think “oh but my followers would be so disappointed” and then i dont eat

so hang around, it helps:)

ive managed to somehow gain followers on here? maybe ill do a little about me post sometime

How do people restrict and b/p?

Like if I could combine the two forces and lose weight I would.

It would straight up be harm reduction because I b/p almost every day. I never eat and keep it down cause I gain weight. I need guidanceeeeeee

I woke up wanting to die.

I made some eggs for breakfast, whichfucking terrifies me.

My coffee machine is broken.

Ive got so much schoolwork it’s unbelievable.

I spent my grocery money on binge food yesterday so I literally have nothing but eggs to eat. (It’s not like I fucking digest anything anyways but whatever)

Im trying to convince myself that one little plate of eggs won’t ruin my progress, but honestly it seems to every time I try.

Im so close to just giving in and puking til I literally die. I can’t do this anymore.

I hate songs that are about eds

I’m sure it can be done well but it hasn’t yet.

They’re all to on the nose.

And they are nearly all about the habits and not the cause. Who gives a shit if I throw up? Where’s the poetry in that? Talk about that internal struggle. Talk about how recovery feels like the ground dissolves below your feet. Make fun of the simplification and romanticism of EDs, don’t feed into it!

You can like what you like, but I can’t stand those songs . Skinny love leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

What do you get when you mix bulimia, bed, and no money for binge food?

✨creativity✨

I have made some ungodly combinations just to satisfy the binge urge

It hasn’t worked. They were gross and I am bloated.

Oh well. I just have to wait another week until I have money.

I really wanna dip my toes into restricting again. I actually ate a bento box from my school and kept it down. It was delightful as fuck. I didn’t gain weight either.

Euphoria is so silly and unrealistic but gosh am I hooked.

So much thinspo! Also Rue being an addict through highschool reminds me of my bed/anorexia/bulimia (idk which one I was diagnosed with cause I avoid the subject at all cost I’m so ashamed) soooo much. My parents and I got into some real fights. Like I know drugs are different but honestly I too am addicted to a behavior that is killing me. It’s worse now that I live alone and control my kitchen and bathroom situation but still highschool was rough. At least now I can kill myself in private. (I’m not suicidal atm but I have a hard time seeing myself surviving this. It’s gotten really bad)

I ate a bread roll for brekki that I intend on keeping down.

I’m hoping it’ll help me feel less fatigued in my lecture. It’s early in the day so it’ll have time to digest and hopefully not make me gain tomorrow. Idk it’s sort of an experiment. I’m not consuming any other solids today it was just one singular bread roll.

Also bread dissolves in your mouth because carbs start being broken down in your mouth. I don’t think calorie absorption truly happens until it hits your intestines but idk for sure. Anyways I’m hoping it’ll pass through my body easily. If any of you have been following my journey you would know that I’ve gone through two different phases of eating and not purging. Both times I gained weight I had to lose. In face right now I’m still losing that weight from the last time.

But 1 100 calorie bread roll? Come on! Even if I gain, it’s nothing I can’t fix in like one to three days. I wanna expand my very short list of safe foods and the only way to do that is to try eating other foods.

feeling ok today

I love Instagram as much as the next girl (follow me!@realliferecoverydiary).

There’s no question some of the girls I have met through my recovery account have changed my life. They’ve been a constant source of support and motivation and are always there to cheer me up on the worst days.

I didn’t start my recovery account until I was over 6 months into my journey, at a healthy weight and much stronger than I had been prior to the hospital.

I felt like I could use Instagram as a way to both inspire girls just starting out in recovery as well as receive support for my own personal recovery. I felt like it was a positive step. I felt like it was a win-win.

For the most part it is. I’d say 90% of the time, my Instagram is awesome and uplifting.

However, I think sometimes recovery Instagrams can do more harm than good.

I think sometimes they are more triggering than inspiring.

Unfortunately, a lot of recovery accounts post pictures of inadequate intakes or bony “before” selfies. The girls behind these accounts are still struggling with their eating disorders and it can be tough for us to see while we are dealing with our own issues.

As someone who’s suffered with anorexia, I have a horrible tendency to compare myself to others (I’m sure you know what that’s like!).

So if someone posts a seemingly innocent picture of their dinner and it happens to be smaller than mine, I’ll feel guilty.

I shouldn’t have eaten so much. Why did I have that extra serving? Look how healthy they are compared to me.

Blah blah blah. The thoughts go on and on, spiraling out of control.

And if it’s a picture of exercising or scales or someone who’s “weight-restored” but still half my size? Forget it.

You might as well just hand me a box marked RELAPSE because that’s exactly where I’d be headed.

Luckily, I’m in a place now where those pictures don’t send me off into a dark place. Sure, sometimes I catch myself comparing or feeling guilty but I’m strong enough and far enough along in my recovery I can stop it before it’s a full blown relapse.

If you’re just starting out though, it can be a lot more difficult to protect yourself.

That’s when I think you should take a step back from Instagram. Or at the very least clean up your feed so you are only following truly “safe” accounts.

It’s okay to recognize Instagram as a trigger. It doesn’t make you weak or pathetic or cowardly.

Being able to know what is harmful to your recovery and then having the strength to remove it from your life is powerful. It’s brave. It’s actually pretty darn amazing.

It means you’re taking back your life. You aren’t enabling your eating disorder.

UseInstagram as a tool for inspiration but be aware of its risks and dangers. Don’t let it hurt you. Don’t let it stop you from recovering.

PS. Check out my new website Real Life Recovery Diary!

mxxnlightsblog:

If you don’t face your old pains and traumas and heartbreaks, you’ll forever be the victim of your past.

Comment medications that cause weightloss or makes your full that I can get at a pharmacy!!

(Help Everyone on ED tumblr!! And comment below!!)