I Dated A Manipulator

He’s literally so fucking annoying to me now. I can’t stand him. After talking to my best friend last night. He helped me remember the exact reason I stopped talking to my boyfriend in the first place. So back in June. We were fucking. I told him that’s all it was. We weren’t dating. Well in turn, he decided he was gonna be a fucking prick the rest of the night and treat me like shit in front of his friends. We went to karaoke and I just sat by myself. Everyone was having fun while I was having a panic attack. He told me I can just leave. When he was the one who took me there. So my friend came and picked me up. Once I got in his car I started crying so hard. Well fast forward to a little more than a month ago. Before we got together. We started talking again. I have no memory of that night besides remembering that he was being a dick and I was secluding myself during karaoke. I didn’t remember why it all started. Well my best friend remembered because that night I was texting my best friend the entire time. Well my now ex, decided to use the fact that I don’t remember to his advantage and gaslighted the living fuck out of me. He convinced me that it was ME that was being a major bitch that day, which triggered his mental issues and made him be a dick to me. So yeah. It was my own fault for why he was being a dick. So I thought aw shit, I’ll give him another chance because I was being a bitch back then. If I remembered what really happened that night I would have never given him a second chance. Ever. So yeah. Manipulative much? So now, every time he does something wrong he manages to swing it around qnd makes himself the victim and I’m the villain. Even though he’s the one who fucked up. Like when he had me pack all my stuff, just to kick me out of his apartment. He said it was because “I’m hard to confront”. He blames me.

So fucking upset right now.
I’m so over fucking men being cowards.
I’m so over people thinking I’m only good enough to fuck and not good enough to love.
Don’t fucking tell me you don’t have time for a relationship and then start dating someone new.
I’m so upset and I’m disassociating so bad right now.
Trying so hard not to hurt myself but I just feel so awful. Why does this keep fucking happening? Why am I so fucking awful that no one will ever love me.
Why is my first thought suicide when I start feeling this way?
Why am I so emotionally fucked up?

This is a self portrait I took a couple years ago, for me this is what my mental illness looks like.

It’s Feeling detached from myself, it’s when I don’t even know who I am, its the constant battle inside my head, it’s the 13 hours I was asleep, it’s the monsters inside my head that say I’m better off dead, it’s the inability to cry anymore at something traumatic and then breaking down because I’m hungry. Its feeling everything way to intensely yet not feeling anything at all.

If you have borderline personality disorder or are struggling to control your emotions, try DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) it’s serriously a life saver if you stick with it!

And I meant it. Ha

Me irl friends

Everyone

The signs you need to look for

Stage 1

depression. anger, failure to bathe, full on disability, failure to brush your teeth, failure to sleep or far too much sleeping *15 hours a day or more* snapping at someone, irritable, unable to cry, unable to empathize, unable to smile, get happy, fake smiles, fake laughter, forced laughter, forced smiles, failure to brush your hair, failure to dress yourself, failure to eat, stress eating, over eating, racing thoughts, hateful thoughts

Depression isn’t always just sad

Depression is a lack of important brain chemicals.

this lack of chemicals is why these things get worse.

Stage 2

Self harm

over eating, stress eating, self harm, cutting, starving, dangerous behavior, putting yourself down, lying *a lot of lying, destructive lying* *abusive tendencies can come from this this doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of help* quietness, drugs, alcohol in excess

Stage 3

Suicidal behaviour

crying out for help. this can look like many things, if someone says something concerning or strange don’t laugh, listen to them and really understand they’re screaming out for you. attempts, talks about suicide, past tries, thoughts about it, a sudden interest in death and how to die easiest, if the person is extremely upset one day then is happy as can be the next.

They are not happy

Stage 4

The happy goodbye

This is when they’re most suicidal

This is so unknown these days i really want everyone to know this happy goodbye is the worst red flag cause it’s the only chance you’ll have left to save someone.

Please really look how you and others interact with you and others. there could be a lot of red flags. be aware these are red flags.

if you catch them here’s what you do

Talk to them, listen to them, help them with their issues, tell them they’re brave, they’re worthy of love, they can fight this thing, give them hope. tell them there’s other ways to make the pain stop, tell them you love them, tell them they’re not alone, even if you have never felt these things try to empathize with them.

this is a curable preventable illness. not a act of selfishness. there’s signs and treatments just like any other illness.

I promise you can fight this. please help others fight this.

I pretend I’m happy so that you don’t have to deal with me but it just makes it 10x harder for me to deal with myself.

I’m laughing but I’m close to crying. I’m smiling but inside I’m dying. I’m a walking lie.

Taking my own life is inevitable whether I do it now or later, at some point it’s going to happen.

We feel like shit 24/7 but we hide it so you don’t feel sad.

We struggle to keep ourselves safe 24/7 but we hide it so you don’t have to deal with us.

We dream of being dead 24/7 but we hide it so that you think we’re okay.

We hide everything so not to hurt you, when maybe, just maybe, if you treated us better we wouldn’t feel like this.

Ah well…

Please like me back

A meme I actually made myself and didn’t steal

“If something someone tells you angers you, or bothers you. It means there is something there for you to work on.”

It is cause for thought.
Like if something someone says to you bothers you, it being big or small, truly does bother you there is a nerve of yours that was touched.
An insecurity someone poked and you didn´t like it.

If you cant brush it off and continue your day, it means some sore wound of yours was touched. and that means some work might need to be done!

Although,dont feel bad for getting angry..no one likes having their insecurities exposed in anyway or another. Its normal to have an explosive reaction, to give out a sarcastic remark as a defense mechanism … or even a very honest angry comment.

But do take into consideration that something might have been poked within you that you are still sore about. And take note to see if any work on it can be done!!

Working out our insecurities is a big step to recovery !
So keep an eye out!

But one thing we should always NOT do , is scold the person.

If you see your bpd person already curled up and having the guts to be open and honest with you about their feelings in a situation when they made a mistake or they are in the wrong, do not scold them about it and point out their mistake like a punitive parent.

because chances are;
we already know all of that. We are already beating outselves in the head with it. Telling ourselves how dumb , how cowardly and how stupid we are for failing. so having a trusted person reflect those feelings to us, is even more destructive to us than hearing it from ourselves.

you truly want to help ?
Give them a hug, a kiss , hold their hand. Lend them an ear, listen atentively. Even if you dont understand what they are going through , listen to their woes.
tell them ”it´s ok to make mistakes” and that “they are strong”. Tell them that you “believe they will do better next time.”

Maybe just, tell them “Things will be ok”
That´s we all need to hear that sometimes.

Do you still feel like your bpd person needs to hear some hard truths?
Make sure you tell them once they are stable, once they can hear the wisdom in your words. Once they dont focus so atentively on all the negativety, and start getting consumed by paranoia. Dont be a punitive person and jump to scolding. Make sure they focus on improving, and not on their failure. Express how you believe they can change and encourage them to, back them up to it. Explain that, this event doesnt change the way you view them. That it doesnt change the fact that you like/love/adore them.

Just because we are sensitive, that should not isent us from hearing what needs to be said. But those precautions are needed.

And not just to people with bpd, we should be gentle to everyone.
Be gentle to those who make mistakes. Be gentle to people that genuingly want to change. Be gentle to those who come to you searching for a shoulder.