#mkiwriting

I want to write about the things and feelings I felt too guilty to write about before. The times I felt broken, the times I felt I didn’t get what I deserved. But I didn’t want to admit it. Not to myself, not to anyone else. It’s okay to admit people aren’t perfect…it’s okay to let them go. I knew, if I admitted all these things, I’d have to face reality. That the people I love and adore, the reality of who they are is not equal to my opinion of them. I didn’t want to say that before, I wouldn’t even let myself think it. But I want to grow and mature, thrive, become the person I want to be. And I can’t do that if I can’t even be honest with myself.

MK Ireland #274 : guilty thoughts

I watched the sun rise

saw the light hit your eyes

and smiled at your beauty

I saw you stumble out of bed

so many thoughts in your head

and go about your day

I watched you walk back in

your hand on my chin

and you kissed me hello

I saw the moon shine

more reflection in your eyes

I smiled, this is home.

MK Ireland #273 : untitled 2

And I stood in the tall grass

that lined the beach

looking at the depth before me

The expanse of ocean

and its movement

I watched the waves meet the shore

with force

I wondered what it meant to be so sure of yourself

I wondered what it meant to be vulnerable

to let others see my fury

my sorrow

and my power

and to not be afraid they would leave me

I wondered what it meant to be secure

I’d never known that feeling

MK Ireland #272 : untitled

You stay because you love them.

And they tell you they love you.

Because you want to believe it’s somewhere deep in there— and maybe it is.

But not enough.

Not in the way you need.

-MK Ireland #271 : 12/24/2019

I found a person who’s able to carry my love, without it spilling over. I found someone who can hold me.

- MK Ireland #270 : i found you

So I guess this is our new destiny: a connection fated to walk in parallel lines, never touching.

MK Ireland #269 : intersection

I don’t know how to hold you as anything other than my everything.

So we settled for nothing instead.

MK Ireland #268 : what we lack

You are peace and gratitude. You are all things calm and comforting. You are a light rain on a sunny day, tapping against my window. You are the calm, not the storm.

MK Ireland #267 : choose peace

All she wanted was to feel okay.

And she couldn’t even have that.

MK Ireland #266 : desperation

“Have you ever been in love before?”

“Yeah…with you.”

MK Ireland #265 : conversations part one

“I just- I love you so much, I don’t even know how to say it.”

“I know. I do too.”

MK Ireland #264 : a nameless night together

One day I looked over at you and just knew you were the person I wanted to look at the rest of my life.

MK Ireland #263 : “it’s a feeling, you just…know”

I look at you, and I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone more beautiful. Inside and out.

MK Ireland #262 : ilysmcf

You tried to kiss me and I pushed you away. You don’t get to toy with my heart anymore.

MK Ireland 261 : over

I’m going to be the most obnoxiously loud happy person this world has ever seen because I spent ten years consumed by suffocating depression and I am damn proud for overcoming it and I won’t silence or stifle myself for anything or anyone anymore.

MK Ireland #260 : h a p p i n e s s

I want him. I want him again. And more. And all to myself.

MK Ireland #259 : desire

From probably around the time I was 7 or 8, I could sense something was off with me. I spent years struggling with depression, before I even knew what it was, and the years 12-17 were the darkest for me. So many days I woke up, and questioned why. So many days I wished everything would end. So many days I suffered, and could not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I still cannot completely say what it is that brought me out of this time, but I know what’s keeping me out and I know I won’t go back. For the majority of my life I could not have told you what true happiness felt like, and today there are days when I will cry because of the sheer joy of being alive. When I was 16, my youngest sister was born and she has been a light unto my life since. She broke through, she made me feel. I look at her and I am overcome with gratitude, I thank God for her everyday and bringing me salvation. She’s quite literally my sunshine. She brought me from the darkest parts of my life and made me finally want to stay, if for nothing else than to watch her grow. She is the purest thing I have ever seen and she cleansed me. Depression was not easy, is not easy. It was not easy to live through, to live with, to comprehend, and to overcome. But she was my turning page. Had she not been born, I cannot say where I would be today, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Today I can say that I am the happiest I have ever been. 2017 brought me some of the worst experiences of my life, but it brought me the best also. I fell in love with my life that year. I looked around me at all my friends and, for once, I could feel the happiness, the joy. And since, it has only gotten better. I appreciate the people in life so much, the experiences in my life so much, the feelings, because I know what it is to live without them. To feel alone and cold and empty. I cannot say that I am grateful for what I went through, but I am grateful for where it brought me to today. I know now that there is power in positive thinking. Your mind controls much of what happens to you. I’ve learned to focus on the good, to water it and let it multiply. What grows is what you feed. I had to release all negativity and toxicity from my life to get better, and I continue to everyday. Happiness is not something given to us, you have to work for it. But the reward is worth the effort. I’ve got in close with God and close with myself, I’ve learned us both, and I no longer doubt if I’m doing the “right thing” or who I’m pleasing or if a + b will lead me to c. This Universe is ALWAYS working for you, never against you. Trust in it. Everything works out in your best interest, as long as you feed into your best thoughts. The power of positivity is real. Manifestation is real. The Secret to life is that what you get, is what you give, and that law is true whether you realize it or not, whether you believe it or not. So believe in it, and watch your life change, for the better. Because of everything I’ve mentioned, I can now say that I know I will never have to face that struggle with depression again. Because I believe I am bigger than it, I believe I have overcame it, so it is true. Depression is not easy, and I will never say it is, but it is that simple. It cannot have power over you, unless you let it. Quit feeding the beast, and start feeding beauty.

*All this to say, I do still face very trying, rough days. I still breakdown, I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. But I know one day is not forever, and the pains I feel today do not have to affect my tomorrow. November 2017 was quite possibly the worst month of my life. I was raped. And barely a week later, I lost my grandfather. I thought that pain would destroy me, but I didn’t let it. As someone who faced years of depression, I thought I would fall back into it. But the one good thing about suffering through depression, is that you realize you never want to feel that way again, and you have the tools to fight it. I did not want depression to have power over me, and I did not want my abuser to have power over me. So they didn’t. I fought, and I won.

April 18, 2018- 4:30am EST

MK Ireland #258 : …me- my past and present…

I’ve got that excited, nervous feeling you experience when you fall in love for the first time and I thought it was something I’d never experience again. I’m not a nervous person, ask anyone. But then I’m talking to you and…I falter…my stomach flutters. I feel like I’m 15 again and don’t know what to say. It’s silly but it’s exciting. I feel young again, full of life. I’m nervous and it’s terrifying, but it’s empowering because I can still feel that. I can feel it again. It’s something I’ll never lose. If I’ve learned anything in my past 19 years, it’s that there are so many things in this world that will light your soul on fire, that will make you feel alive. Don’t settle for any less than that. Don’t settle for mediocre love, you deserve something passionate and wild, you deserve to feel that adrenaline. If you don’t have it yet, keep searching.

MK Ireland #257 : adrenaline

You were everything I knew would hurt me, yet I still fell for you anyway.

MK Ireland #256 : fuck boy

We shouldn’t talk about it. We shouldn’t talk about it because we might ruin it. We might ruin everything we have, everything we might’ve been. The memories are just memories, the feelings just feelings. But if we start to label them, untangle them, we might not like what we’re left with. Things get tainted and complicated, and the waters might be murky now, but at least our desires are clear and I’d rather love you in private than avoid you in public. We shouldn’t talk about it because talking about it might mean the end of it, might mean goodbye. And I don’t want to say goodbye- to this, to you. If I could, I would pull you in my arms and hold you and hug and love you and kiss you forever, for the rest of my life, for the rest of my days. I’m saying I love you and I want you and I’d choose you, if only you could choose me. But you’re leaving, and I’m gonna miss you like I’d miss breathing. So right now can we not talk about it? Can we not talk about all the girls after you and guys after me or anyone who lays in your bed that isn’t me? Can we act like it’s just me? Like it’s just me and you and life never got in our way and we’ll never have to say goodbye? That’s the paradise I’m living in- please don’t make me leave.

MK Ireland #255 : stolen paradise

Be on fire about life.

MK Ireland #254 : passionfruit

You’ve been hurt so much by the people that were supposed to love you that you forget what real love looks like.

MK Ireland #253 : scars

You hurt me so quietly, I confused it with love.

MK Ireland #252 : pain & suffering

One day, even my deepest scars will be healed.

MK Ireland #251 : clean

Intentional or not, if all he’s doing is hurting you, at some point you have to walk away.

MK Ireland #250 : self preservation

I think I’ve finally let you go.

Nothing feels more refreshing.

MK Ireland #249 : f r e s h || a i r

One thing I’ve learned:

Everything hurts worse at night.

Go to sleep my love, things will be clearer in the morning.

MK Ireland #248 : midnight pains

I’m finally starting new again…I’m not sure if that thought’s more refreshing or terrifying.

MK Ireland #247 : leaving you