I’ve been binging for almost the whole week and I think that now it’s time for restriction

So… My brain and I had this conversation:

Me: If I already hate me, doesn’t matter if I eat or if I don’t

My brain: Yes, but… If it’s the same hate, Guess what’s better being sad and fat or being sad and also a skinny legend?

Me: A skinny legend

My brain: Then why don’t you just stop eating and get skinny?

Me:

Hi

So… today is my birthday and this is a friendly reminder that I’m still being an ugly fatass

Hoping that maybe next year things will be different

Love u, please stay safe

Today my sister caught me puking in the bathroom, at first I thought that she would obviously tell them to my parents, but surprisingly she didn’t and only told me that she’ll keep the secret this time. I think that I was lucky, but I’m really worried in the inside. Do you have any advice for what can I do to don’t get caught again?

Love u, stay safe

Shorts thinspo

¡¡¡¡DONT DO THE MUSTARD/SALT REMEDY TO PURGE¡¡¡¡

I dont get it.

A couple of months ago, while walking to school, I saw someone who went to primary school with me. It was a girl that used to make fun of me for being fat all the time, to the point where I had to go to the girls restroom in the middle of class just so I can cry and get away from here for a little bit.

She stopped me and said hi and was, surprisingly, very nice. Kindness was the last thing I expected from her tbh. So, anyway we talked for a couple of minutes discussing mundane things like, how are you, what school are you going to now, what’s it like there etc.

After those couple of minutes, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. All I could think about in that moment was: why did she talk to me and why was she so damn disgustingly nice?? Like girl, you legit made fun of me EVERY DAY.

Does she feel any remorse at all? Does she even care that her words have completely changed me as a person? Does she even care she indirectly caused my ed?

How do you just forget about something that you did that caused another person pain? How do you even sleep at night?

If I every reach an underweight bmi I will give myself a pass to maybe consider recovery. Atleast then I wont be an absolute joke lol

You dont really see people talking about the way eds make you behave and what effect it has on relationships….

Everything my family does, it pisses me off.

Everything my friends do, it pisses me off.

The people I love(d) the most piss me off so much rn. To the point where I think I hate them just because they exist… even though they did NOTHING wrong.

I just want to fight with everyone and everything and it’s so fucking exhausting…

The only satisfaction/happiness I get is from seeing the number on the scale go down… that’s it.

Which means, if I gain a pound or stay the same weight for a certain amount of time, it will make me absolutely miserable. It will make me want to just go to sleep and never wake up because the one thing that gives me happiness is not there.

I have nothing.

Wanna know something cool? I’ve gained some weight these past couple of months and instead of panicking and fasting for days to get it all off in a week or so, I’ve made myself go into a healthy calorie deficit of 1500 a day and I’ve never felt better. I dont feel quilty about gaining weight anymore, and even tho theres still some fear present whenever I plan on stepping on the scale, i still do it and i remind myself that everything is going to be okay. I make sure I’m eating a good amount of protein every day, also this December I’ll start going to the gym and do some weight lifting to add some muscle which will make my weight loss journey even easier because having muscle burns more calories throughout the day. I’m excited. I’ll keep u guys updated.

Please read this.

I’m deleting tumblr, forever.

Why?

Because I’m sick of this, I’m sick of starving myself, I’m sick of wanting to look weak and frail, I’m sick of trying to be the perfect weight thinking it will make me happy.

It wont. Reaching your goal weight wont make you happy, being so sick and frail to the point where you cant even stand will not make you happy. It’s just gonna get worse and worse until one of your family members finds your lifeless, cold body on the floor.

For so fucking long I’ve thought that theres no other way, theres no other way to lose weight because nothing else worked. But that’s simply not true. There IS a better way, a way where you can feel energized and feel full and STILL lose weight in a healthy way. Plus, you’ll be able to workout and actually enjoy it and FEEL yourself becoming stronger day by day.

I promise you there is nothing better than feeling physically and emotionally strong. I mean, just imagine being able to lift 200 pounds, run 10 miles, doing 50 pushups in a row? Imagine the strength your body can possess. Just imagine what your body can do!

Please dont throw your body away. I know you think you cant do it. I feel the same a lot of the times. I mean, I’ve struggled with an ED for 5 years now, trust me I still have my doubts.

But you have to push through! Its going to be hard, and exhausting, and draining, but you CAN do it.

You just have to keep trying. Please.

I’m so tired of this shit… I restrict for 2 months, lose weight, get motivated, decide I want to lose weight in a healthy way bcs I’m tired of feeling like shit, it doesnt work, i gain weight, i feel like shit (mentally), I decide I’m going to restrict again, I fail in doing so because I cant control myself, i feel even more shitty….

It’s so pathetic. Like, just dont fucking eat it’s not that hard. Plus it’s the only way I’m actually gonna get results so I should just suck it up for 3-4 months and I’ll get there, to my goal weight. I mean, I’ll still be a sad pathetic bitch, but atleast I wont be fat.

So whenever I feel like sTarTiNg tO loSe WeiGht tHe hEaltHy wAy, I’m just gonna read this over and over again.

Me: *has a mild misunderstanding with my family about an unimportant thing that wont even matter in a couple of hours*

Also me: tHis wouLdNt HaVe hAppEneD if I wAs sKinnY aNd nOw tHeY hAte mE beCaUsE iM a fAt pieCe oF sHit

Wanna hear something pathetic?

I want to be a soldier. That requires me to be physically and mentally strong. Because of my disorder, I’m neither.

What a fuckin joke.

Tell me why I gained 7 POUNDS after 1 FRICKING BINGE. Are u serious rn?? It took me a week and a half to lose it and I gain it back in ONE DAY???

Someones trying to set me up.

Me when I find a post that tells me I deserve to eat and that I can eventually recover from my ED:

I’m 9 pounds away from hitting my second goal weight… we’re getting there folks

Slowly but surely

I’ve managed to not binge for a while and it’s making me lose a couple of pounds, which is good.

But I’ve noticed I’ve been a lot meaner to my friends for no reason and I’ve been a lot more impatient with them. It just makes me sad because I cant control it and I’m genuinely almost always angry. (Bcs I dont eat that much)

But hey, I gotta make some sacrifices along the way to stop looking like a pig. If I have to lose a couple of friends along the way… then I guess thats just gonna have to happen.

I reaaaaaaally regret not stretching before working out last night. My leg has been in a constant mild cramp this whole day…

Hopefully it gets better tomorrow lol.

P.S. If yall got any tips on how to lessen the pain it would be very much appreciated.

Hol’ up… so you’re telling me theres people in the world that actually managed to lose weight in a healthy way?! Without starving themselves???

What is this black magic you speak of?!

GUYS

So i have been afraid to step on a scale for a while because I have been straight up binging for a whole MONTH. And today I’ve decided to face my fears a just see the damage I’ve done and my weight remained the SAME. I DIDNT GAIN ANY WEIGHT.

In fact, I’m actually a little bit lighter now.

Thank you God, I love you.

I’m back on track

TRY NOT TO COUNT FRUIT IN UR TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE PLS

THEY HAVE A LOT OF FIBER SO YOULL FEEL BETTER AND IT WILL HELP UR DIGESTION

*I know it’s hard but pls try *

I actually found something I can stick to

Recently, I started doing intermittent fasting. It’s not that difficult for me tbh, and it’s becoming easier to do over time. I eat from 12 PM to 6 PM, during that time I have two smaller meals. I’ll keep you guys updated.