why am i still alive?

because im really tired of living

What I really want:

Someone to stab my foot.

depression

My loves

I’m back in rehab. I’m sorry. I love you all and I’ll be back soon.

still haven’t gone to bed

have you?

And today I want to apologize to myself. Apologize for giving up too early, for hating my skin when it was protecting me. Apologize for starving myself when my body was dying. Apologize for falling off the wagon constantly. I want to apologize for every single pain i put my body through. Apologize for making it feel as if it wasn’t worthy enough for me because it is and always will be. And today may not be the day I will want to return to it with everything within me. But I want to let it know that I’m coming back to it slowly by slowly. And I want to thank it for accepting me.

- g.d (welcome me home)

“I want to wrap myself around you, to surround you with everything I have, everything I am. To hold you so tight that you forget where you begin and where I end. To consume you but also free you. I want to be everything you ever wanted and everything you thought you’d never need. I want to hold you so tight and make you realize that you’re always going to be enough, enough for me. I want to whisper words I’ve always said but never meant and lull you to sleep with them. I want to hold you so tight that you’ll believe me even as you drift off into a world where I’ll never be able to visit with you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

- g.d (allow me to be the one you need)

“The sea is only as powerful as you allow it to be.”

- g.d (the sea)

“Depression is when you’re sitting in your room and you can hear people laughing and all you can do is listen in to their laughter and not bring yourself to feel happy with them. It is when you’re angry at your mom for brining you into a world to only want to escape it (even though it’s not her fault). It’s when you just want to cry but can’t because god forbid someone saw tear stains on your cheeks. So you just sit still in hope that the numbness will pass, and that you make it through the day. When all you want is to sleep and not wake up ever again.”

- g.d. (what depression is) 

“Sometimes people forget how hard it is to go about your day. How hard it is to just love someone who loves you. When depression hits you, you forget everything, you forget that you’re loved and you love someone. Because its this piece of shit that reminds you constantly that you are not worthy of the love. That whatever you set out to do won’t be enough because you are not enough. I feel this constantly. Some days I’ll be fine but days like today, breathing even crying feels like the biggest task in life. So, I want everyone to know, that this will pass and one day we will look back and realize that this had to happen, to let us become who we are today.”

- g.d (this will make us weak before it makes us strong)

“And I did not realize how hard it is to forget you. Forget the friendship we had, the memories we shared. The laughter that rang through the dark nights and sunny mornings. The promises we made to stay together forever. But I guess I was justthe sea for you, while you were my anchor.”

- g.d (best friend break ups hurt more than anything)

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU