#bpd thoughts

just ruined everything with my fp. imma k*ll myself istg

my fp is going through though times and she has been a little away from me and from everyone really… i just want her to vent with me!! that way i can try and help her and also have her talking to me… even so i feel so selfish.

I just want to give everything I have for you. is that so bad?

how can someone feel so much and feel so empty at the same time?

I really hope there’s an alien species watching us. I hope they see us ruining this earth and I hope they’re coming to stop us.

Mein Herz zerbricht in vielen Stücken. Jedes Stück davon, trägt eine Geschichte.

Why am I so triggered by being told to be quiet… like wtf.. I’m such a fucking child

Just gonna stop keeping my hopes up over stuff…

Im sick of being the therapist friend, but i know if im not she’ll commit cause no one else cares about her

Fear of being abandoned ✅

I let my hurt inner child do something bad and now I might be single

I’m on a waiting list right now for my autism screening stuff and I’m very curious as to what is going to happen I hope everything goes well and I can get in

I’m realizing I’ve been depressed since I was a little kid and I thought it was just my personality but now I’m coming out of it and it’s like I’m getting the childhood I never got to have back

I had to call the cops on my mom tonight so they can take her to the mental hospital and not one of my friends or my boyfriend came to help me. Nobody fucking cares even my dad wouldn’t come help take care of his own wife. It’s so quiet and lonely in this house now all by myself I wish the cops never left so I had someone to talk to.

My mom has bipolar disorder and she has psychotic episodes sometimes. It’s be traumatizing growing up taking care of your mother when she acts like this. She can be violent and angry and just attack me suddenly because she believes I’m the devil. I used to have horrible breakdowns myself whenever this happens but recently she is in an episode and I have been doing well. I clean her bedroom and take care of her animals and clean the house and she hasn’t been violent this time around thank god. It’s just very isolating being in a house alone with her. I’m lucky we have a home and I try to remind myself that even if it’s so empty.

I’m so tired I can’t keep taking care of her

It sucks having no friends sometimes. I wanna talk to people and give eachother advice and have fun.

I keep doing bad stuff to myself for his attention I’m just getting worse and I’m gonna push him away but I can’t stop.

I long for a darkness only found in my childhood home. The basement buried deep in the soil surrounded by the forest’s roots. Cold brick walls felt safe when everything else was so scary. The basement was a bomb shelter protecting me from the war happening above. Plates being thrown through the air couldn’t reach me deep in the earth. No hands could touch me when I was cradled by the dirt. I just want to go back

My existence is not for him or anyone else this is my life and I’m not going to worry about every little thing he has ever done in the past

I have a lot of followers on this account and I need to vent my emotions somewhere so like hey y'all

I haven’t been super active in a long time bc of life, which is how it goes sometimes yk. But for the past several years, life for me has been dealing with abusers and facing trauma on top of trauma. My biggest abuser has been my mother, and mother’s day was yesterday, which is why I’m thinking and feeling so much about this.

She victimized me for years. My entire high school career was ruined because I was too busy being her emotional dumping ground and protector, as well as her punching bag. There were days when I had to miss school to make sure she didn’t hurt herself or to make sure my brother didn’t kill her. And she often tossed my needs to the side, as I would ask for things I needed and wouldn’t receive them for months on end, if at all. She put off making important appointments and phone calls for me. And then she vilified me for not being able to take care of myself properly due to my mental illnesses.

She was constantly belittling me for the negative effects my mental illnesses had on my life, even though she had a lot of the same illnesses and saw a therapist. We did therapy together and she never wanted to work through anything. She only admitted to having done something wrong when we were in therapy. She didn’t talk about her emotions or about boundaries, she just did the bare minimum to get us through the appointment.

I didn’t even know how bad it really was until I reconnected with a childhood friend and got to know their best friend (who would become my now girlfriend of almost 8 months) after all of my other friends had virtually disappeared from my life because I was so draining to be around anymore because I was a wreck at all times. Until then I didn’t know how wrong my mom was and how unnatural and toxic our relationship had become. What my friend and girlfriend got me to see was that my mom and I were entirely codependent, and I was trapped in a cycle of abuse, and I needed to get out. Especially because mere weeks after my girlfriend and I got together, my parents started planning to move six hours away from home. I didn’t finally realize that I didn’t have to go with them until a week before the move, and up to that point, every day I woke up thinking that soon i was going to be torn from everything and everyone in my life that mattered, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I knew that if I had to go through with that, I wasn’t going to survive. Either I was going to wind up dying or completely self destructing.

Leaving my mom’s home was a fucking FEAT. But my loved ones gave me the means and the courage to do it. She made me help her move, and then brought me back to where I’d be living. I stayed at her new house for a little over two weeks, and she let me bring one of my close friends (in fact, OFFERED to let me bring said friend, it was her idea, and then she treated me like a nuisance later bc my friend came along w us). She treated me like garbage every day. She was always putting me down and being passive aggressive and getting an attitude with me, for no reason. She started pointless and petty arguments in front of my friend and verbally abused me the whole way through with zero fucking remorse. The day before she took me back, she got into two fights with me, the first one in a goddamn IHOP bc she said I “might as well be an atheist” simply because I’m not a Christian and I told her that it hurt my feelings to hear her say that because she knew I had a religion, and she lost her MIND, because how DARE I tell her she did something wrong? And the second was me crying to her and begging her to stop bullying me all the time and to just be my mom, which she didn’t listen to at all and instead screamed at me for an hour or so about how rotten I was for wanting to leave

This was at the end of November and the beginning of December. She left me in the town I live on December 4th. Since then, she has started COUNTLESS disputes with me over social media for no reason. She has threatened me and blackmailed me, saying she’d come get me, which she can do because she convinced me to let her get legal guardianship over my person when I turned 18, telling me it was “in my best interest” and “for my health and well being”. She has stolen money from me and conned me out of money when she has more than she needs and I’m living off of social security. She has publicly abused me on my Facebook page for my friends and other loved ones to see, talking to those who came to my defense like they were less than human to her, throwing slurs at my queer friends. Talking to me like I was garbage while people watched and then praising herself for being so good to me. This has further hindered my quality of life as well as my education.

She bounces between that sort of behavior and telling me about her art projects and how much she misses me. The past few days she’s been nice, when last weekend, she was a terror. This past Friday my therapist told me I don’t have to make any decisions yet about whether I should - or even want to - have my mom in my life. But today she finally sent me a friend request on Facebook again, after not having me on social media for awhile because of the aforementioned arguing. So before I accepted it I told her that my boundary is that she can’t start fights with me over the shit I post because I will post what I want on my Facebook and none of it is ever meant to have a go at her. She simply said “understood love you” and that was that.

Then I was scrolling through her Facebook a little bit ago, and she had shared something. It was a shoddy list of the defining characteristics of a narcissist. And she captioned it with something that alluded to me being a narcissist and not even realizing it, without using my name (but of course she misgendered me on purpose). And that just fucking BITES. More than I can even say.

She’s mean to me so often. She’s so abysmally nasty to me. She treats me like dirt and I’m still so nice to her all the time and she still acts like I’m the bad guy. Like I’m not her fucking KID. Like she didn’t and doesn’t hold a position of power over me. Like it’s even possible for her to be victimized by me. And then she tells me that I play the victim so much that I can’t see the error of my ways ?!?!!?!??

When she was still arguing with my Facebook friends some months ago, she posted something in a comment thread while responding to my girlfriend’s dad (who was standing up for me). She told him that I was going to tell him to lay off of her because, ever since my dad passed, I would “do anything” to keep her in my life. So she admitted that she knows she holds power over me emotionally and that she can and will use that to her advantage any and every time she feels she needs to. Publicly.

And now she’s still acting like I’m a narcissist and a manipulator ???

Tl;dr moms ain’t shit

yikes, having actual connections with and being emotionally open and vulnerable around another human being is a wild trip

Mood