J̑̈ȏ̈ ȇ̈ȓ̈z̑̈ȇ̈s̑̈,h̑̈ȏ̈g̑̈y̑̈ n̑̈ȇ̈m̑̈ k̑̈ȇ̈ȓ̈ȇ̈s̑̈ s̑̈ȇ̈n̑̈k̑̈ȋ̈.

-@fckingmark

“That you are not alone, For I am here with you, Though you’re far away, I am here to stay.”

You Are Not Alone By Michael Jackson

I’m slipping away, into the dark. I still need you, but your too far. I reach for your hand, as I slip away. No I’m all alone, without you everyday.

Shannon Weir

Love has become so superficial.

00.24

Its tragic isnt it?

Feeling so alone in a world this full of people? 7.5 billion other souls on this planet and it feels like you are going through it all alone.

I hate that I’m always so alone, especially on nights like this where my depression gets the best of me and suddenly I realize how alone I am. I dont have anyone to turn to when this happens, I don’t have people who are actually there for me. No one ever knows what to do and I just feel like even more of a burden. I feel like a burden all the time and I dont know how to reach out to people when I feel like the world is coming down around me and it feels like the only thing that will make it stop is just to stop existing. I dont want to feel alone. I just want to be able to connect to other people without feeling like theres something wrong with me, like I’m broken.

My mental health has never been worse and I’m crying alone at 2am bc I don’t have people there for me and I don’t know how to change that.

I though I was over you
I though I moved on
I though I was ready to live and love again
But then you apologize and I realized I missed you
But then you wanted to go back to the old us and I agreed
But now you want to leave again and feel lost

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 15

I’ve been trapped in my mind lately. Often than usual. What is it in our mind or hearts that makes it dependent on us humans that we think we can’t live without a loved one? How can we be so addicted to someone else who doesn’t even think of us? You keep thinking and thinking and at some point you’re so far that you don’t even realize how you got into the dark and now you don’t know how to get out. You’re trying not to think about it but you loose control over your thoughts. You’re trying to escape with drugs and alcohol but it keeps making everything worst. Suddenly you’ve reached your breaking point and think live doesn’t make any sence and you’re starting to have suicidal thoughts caus you don’t want to live in a world where everything you see and feel is either sadness or numbness. You try to remeber when you were happy and when this endless sadness have started. You can’t remeber. Living is fighting. I don’t know what will happen in 5 years. Will I be happy? Will I survive? Will I be dead? I don’t know. All I know is that it is hard when I hate myself. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 14

Today I wanna talk about friendships. What does a friendship means exactly? Does it mean that I have to do everything to keep them satisfied? When does a friendship became a toxic one? All my life I did everything possible to keep the one I used to call “my best friends” happy. I used to  say it’s okay if they talked about me behind my back cause we’re girls and thats normal right? When they planned a vacation without me I used to say it’s okay maybe they thought I had to work. When I told them I’d almost lost my virginity they used to judge me behind my back although they were no longer virgins. I thought it was my fault cause I was stupid enough to almost let it happen. I thought I did something wrong. At this moment I used to do everything to keep them happy. I lent money without demanding it back, I donated food without recieving a consideration. Just to keep them satisfied. Everything just to be not left alone. Now I’m alone and I still think it’s my fault, that I did something wrong just to be around someone who never really cared about me.They never asked how I’m doing. They don’t even know about my depression. This friendship was toxic from the beginning but I didn’t realized it. It happened slowly and step by step. I’m better off on my own. People are Poison. 

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 10

Yesterday I cried. I don’t even know why I cried. I’m so sad. I’m always sad, there’s a dark cloud floats over me but instead of rain it’s sadness that surrounds me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can’t remember what Happiness feels like. Was I ever Happy?.. I’m trapped in my mind and the only thing that keeps me awake are my thoughts. I wish I could shut them out just for a while I’m so tired and I just need to rest… just for a little bit. I don’t understand people making jokes about depression, what’s funny about it? Did I miss the joke cause I’m not laughing. I’m so afraid of my thoughts that I won’t let anyone get close enough to me but how do I tell the person who wants to get to know me? People hurt People that’s a fact my mind is telling me so I’ll stay in the darkness of my thoughts and keep my distance It’s not healthy but at least I’m safe. I’ve been in the dark for so long that It has become my friend. I got some demons in my head they trying to trick me but that’s okay…. I’m used to it..

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 08

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted something up here, but I couldn’t write something I just didn’t have the energy. Let’s start with a Lyrics: 

I hope you miss me
I know you left but I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I hope you miss me I know you left
But I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I got some deep rooted issues in me
I got some deep rooted issues tryna fix this
I got some demons in my head they tryna trick me

I wonder why everyone around me leaves. Maybe it’s me, maybe something is wrong with me. That’s what I’m starting to believe. It must be me otherwise I can’t explain why people who mean the most to me are leaving me. Now I’m back at the dark place, lonley and no one there to help me out. I’m stuck again. My thoughts are circling me but the fact that I didn’t mean so much to you hurts. It hurts really bad. How can you end a friendship like ours just like that? Like.. I don’t know. We used to talk on the phone every damn day and now… nothing… Do you even think about me because I think about you a lot. You knew what I was going through and still you’ve decided to erase me out of your life… I guess I’m just not worth it. Everything seems hopeless, I don’t know what I should do and that’s driving crazy. I’m loosing my mind. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME… You were supposed to be the one who understands me but I was wrong how could you you fool me so much and bring me back in this position. How could this happen to me for the second time? Suddenly you told me I’m embarrassed. You don’t know what it feels like if someone says that someone who knows you’re already broken inside and fears to do something wrong in society. That’s why I have trust issues, but Ive choosed to give you a chance so It’s my fault again… that I’m lonely again… Like always…

- a vision of ecstasy

Because I cared too much too.

#azrael

I would just be the rain to you

The roads are much quieter than they used to be

The organs notes still waft through the empty hall of god

I just want all of this to end…

I really don’t know why I keep hoping things will get better.