Oh so I’m fat ?

Then how does it feel to see your favorite shorts you wore when you were 10 fall down my legs auntie ☺️?

For lunch today I had a binge/purge, with extra helpings of ✨self hatred✨ on the side

poovellamkettuppar:

*seductively slips into existential melancholy*

So I wrote something, it’ bad, so just a cringe warning. Please don’t steal it(not that you’d want to lmao) but anyways yeah.

TW: angsty stuff, you know the drill

“Tragically Beautiful”

I want to be heartbreakingly enchanting

I want to be despairingly hopeful

I want to be grievously blissful

To keep falling deeper into depression until I glow because I’m the brightest thing in the inevitable darkness

To be immensely consumed by the scorching reality of my burning anxiety founded in fear, that I ignite into a mesmerizing fire.

To exist in a void of painful numbness until I disappear forever, where nothing hurts and I’m perfectly serene.

To be enveloped by an infinite number of demons, so that I am the closest thing to an angel.

To starve myself of more than love, causing the image reflected in the mirror to grow invisible, little by little it vanishes, eventually only a memory, a magical phantom of what once was real.

To pierce my lifeless complexion, letting out the enchanting crimson, emerging from the chasm I’ve made with silver, forming like water droplets, revealing that under the depth, I’m alive.

To convincingly wear my mask and skillfully play my part, a deceivingly perfect show I put on, costumes of lies and sets made of illusions. To keep my secrets, hide my imperfections, and bury my truths.

Heartbreakingly enchanting

Despairingly hopeful

Grievously blissful

I want to be tragically beautiful.

So my mom is doing like a two week fast with a break in between for Christmas dinner. Which means my dad is going to be in charge of dinner, which means getting food delivered to eat and not eating together at the kitchen table. This is my chance to skip dinner as much as I please, and secretly fast with my mom.

I don’t think normal people will ever truly understand the millions of thoughts that run through your mind and the agonizing pain of deciding whether to eat or not. The amount of questions and calculations that I can’t stop:

What’s the portion size? Can I cut it down? How many calories is it? How many calories is my limit? How many calories have I had today? How many left in my daily limit? How many calories have I burned today already? How many more will I have to? How many miles do I have to run to burn that? Do I really want it? Really need it? What did I eat yesterday? How many calories? What about the days before? What am I going to eat tomorrow? Is mom cooking dinner? What she going to cook? How many calories? Or are we going out? Am I able to fast tomorrow? How long? At what time will I finish this meal? How much do I weight today? What’s the difference between last week? How many pounds to go until I reach my goal weight? How many days left until my selected date to reach it? What about my waist? Will it go up an inch? How much will I gain?…and on…and on.

It’s never fucking ending. Even after you’ve already taken a bite.

I wish I were a wire girl

I look at their pearls and notice how they can make anyone blush with just a smile,

How they carry their tall, skinny bodies

If I had longer legs, I could try to convince my mind that I might deserve to feel love

Maybe if I were a wire girl, people would appreciate or care more about me

If I looked as beautiful as a dark night in a clear night, full of all stars -that they are- I would have a full heart.

If I looked as beautiful as the girls I’ve seen in my dreams my life could have been much easier,

maybe the one person who was supposed to love me before anyone, would’ve done it.

I wouldn’t waste so much time thinking about whether I’m enough or not,

For everyone would have reassured me that since I was born,

If we can reflect our inside beauty in our bodies, does that mean I have an empty, joyless and pessimistic soul?

Is my body all that I mean? Is it all that I’m worth?

Will I be forever empty?

But what is life but a body made of out meat, lended to you for a couple of years, that will rot to be forgotten forever?

LAST WEEK’S STATS (09.13.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 159.8lbs (72.5kg)
BF:29.8%
BMI: 29.2 (Overweight)

NEW STATS (09.20.20)
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
Weight: 153.2lbs (69.5kg)
BF:28.2%
BMI: 28.0 (Overweight)

ILOSTby: -6.6lbs (-3kg), -1.6% BF, & -1.2 BMI Points

-

I guess that’s what happens when you only eat 3,490cal the whole week and also burn 14,309cal in total in the same week. ‍♀️ I’m going to try taking it easy for the first few days of this week (09.20 - 09.26), but I’m so excited right now; going back down to, or even past, my LW by next week should totally be a piece of cake!!

Just a hospital body check. I’ve lost roughly 7 pounds since coming in! Healthily and naturally tho! Remember to always be safe and that no amount of trauma can destroy the beautiful flower you are blooming into.

I’m actually so in love with myself and it’s such a good feeling! For the longest time I was my biggest unrequited love but finally I’ve forgiven myself for my reactions to trauma.

AHHHH I reached my set weight again finally!

Body check! Started working out and.. lol chain smoking again. Weighing in at 131 during the afternoon

My skinny friends make me want to k!|| my$€Lf

LW pic throwbacks r truly PAIN. I can’t believe I didn’t appreciate myself more back then. I was so close to my UGW

There is a difference between going to sleep feeling pleasantly empty and laying awake all night, not being able to sleep because you are so hungry it literally hurts.

Something old, something new - bingeing and downers

And I got through the weekend fairly well… I was actually proud of myself.

But then I binged today, on Monday. I justfuckinghad to, didn’t I? It was horrible, absolutely horrible…

Now I can’t sleep. I just took some downers, so we’ll see how that goes I guess…

High restriction really does work!

Who would’ve thought? I actually lost 1kg in a week by eating 600-800 kcal and burning around 200 (just walking)! And only today after 7 days did I get the urge to binge, but it was totally manageable and I kept it under 1500 kcal. I’m so excited for next week!

woow ,, i’ve been inactive for a long time ,, i’m sorry . i’ve been stuck in inpatient, but they’re not monitoring my meals anymore which means it’s time to get back into shape !!

food diary ;; thursday 1st october, 2020.

note!! had a little binge at the end of the day,, nothing much,, just because i got really hungry and bad chest pains for no reason. -.-

breakfast ;; 0 calories.

• skipped.

lunch ;; 47 calories.

• 1 whole carrot - 30 calories.

• 15g mashed potatoes - 13 calories.

• 0.4 sachet of ketchup - 4 calories.

• 0.5 teaspoon of salt - 0 calories.

• 0.3 tablespoon of malt vinegar - 0 calories.

dinner ;; 69 calories.

• 2 slices of wafer thin ham - 14 calories.

• 1 slice warbutons wholemeal bread - 55 calories.

snacks ;; 72 calories.

• 2 light rich tea biscuits - 72 calories.

exercise ;; 26.5 calories burned.

• 770 steps.

total calories consumed ;; 188 calories.

— stay alive, you beautiful human

being. ♡

aaa i miss the time when i could eat in public without feeling like i’m being judged

Updating this cause i ended up eating half of my dinner so i stayed on the 300s (ง'̀-‘́)ง

- //

Breakfast(0kcal):

• green tea (0kcal)

Lunch(194kcal):

• fish, spinach and cheese patty (170kcal?)
• tomato (24kcal)

Snack(127kcal):

• vanilla yogurt (190gr / 87kcal)
• granola (1 tablespoon / 40kcal)
• 2 pieces of gum (10kcal)

Dinner(15kcal):

• lettuce (16gr / 3kcal)
• kale (17gr / 12kcal)

Water intake: i have no idea

Exercise:

Total: ☕️ 356kcal ☕️

it just hit me that we’re close to easter shit too many temptations

I want to be that friend who gets offered to sit on someone else’s lap :/

- //

Breakfast(0kcal):

• green tea (0kcal)

Lunch(105kcal):

• egg white omelette (90gr / 46kcal)
• ham (33gr / 34kcal)
• ricotta cheese (17gr / 26kcal)

Snack(20kcal):

• coke zero (0kcal)
• green tea (0kcal)
• rice cake (20kcal)

Dinner(268kcal):

• vegetarian sushi (1 roll / 268kcal?)

Water intake:1L

Exercise:

Total:393kcal

I hope i stay on the 300’s

i’m being (lowkey?) forced into recovery and i’m this close to k wording myself, istg i want to cry so bad

after my appointment with the psychiatrist i saw a really skinny girl in the waiting room and got triggered like-‍♀️ please give me a break

30 day thinspo challenge day 17: “Do you have an eating disorder?”

not oficially diagnosed but today i’m have an appointment with a psychiatrist to determinate that (❍ᴥ❍ʋ) my psychologist says i do have one but my parents don’t think so…

Food diary - 01/03/21

Breakfast(21kcal):

• green grapes (6 / 21kcal)
• green tea (0kcal)

Lunch(203kcal):

• steak milanesa (92gr / 185kcal)
• lettuce (11gr / 6kcal)
• kale (18gr / 12kcal)

Snack(0kcal)

• skipped

Dinner(63kcal):

• roasted eggplant (185gr / 46kcal)
• cabbage (105gr / 17kcal)

Water intake:1L

Exercise:

Total:287

starting this cause why not :)

♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎

Tracker cr: i don’t know who made it i got it from twitter (⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃

ireally need to fix my habit of weighting myself everyday, otherwise i’ll go crazy.

30 day thinspo challenge day 16: “When did you first decide to lose weight?”

hmm i’ve always been overweight so i guess the idea of starting a diet first came to me around 5-6 years ago and it wasn’t even completely my choice but mostly my parent’s :/

- 28/02/21

Breakfast(0kcal):

• green tea (0kcal)

Lunch(131kcal):

• baked sweet potato (120gr / 119kcal)
• cabbage (79gr / 13kcal)

Snack(149kcal):

• brownies (4 pieces / 149kcal)

Dinner(86kcal):

• Corn and squash patty (66kcal)
• Tomato (91gr / 20kcal)

Water intake: i don’t know (⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃

Exercise:only a 25min walk (-101kcal)

Total:367kcal