I remember a moment when I was at my lw (dangerously low) that made me realize how fucked up my ed and body dismorphia were.

I was naked in front of the mirror, disgusted by how large my chest was. I was squeezing my torso to see how much fat I had and how I’d look if I’d lose it.

And then I realized I didn’t have any fat left there. What was too large for my ed was my ribcage. I was a fucking skeleton trying to get skinnier and even bones seemed too much.

And despite knowing I was deadly sick, desperate, lonely and suicidal, a part of me wants to go to that weight and body so bad. And I’m slowly relapsing again, saying I’m just trying to “lose some weight” when in reality I wanna be a skeleton again.

Soooo after months of trying to lose weight and gaining instead bc i’m stucked in a binge/restrict cycle

I’ve finally decided to increase my planned intake! I was used to plan 400cals/day and always ended having massive binges multiples times per week

I’ve made a 1000cals/day planning for a week and didn’t binge once!! I haven’t succeed to maintain a realistic meal plan without bingeing for months!

I’m so proud rn, I should lose 10kg by the end of January by keeping it on, I really hope I’ll be able to do it!

I’ll try to be more active on tumblr to keep me motivated :)

I wonder

Every time I see a very skinny person (like they could be bonespo and seem to have a bmi <14), I wonder.

Do they suffer from an ed like me ?

Are they upset of seeing /smelling food when walking in the city like me ?

Is their life a mess regulated by restriction, thinking about food/calories and how to avoid events like me ?

Do they hate their body to the point of slowly killing it like me ?

I’m jealous bc I want their skinny, bony, sick body.

And I’m saddened by the fact they may have an ed and therefore I know too the painful struggles that life has become.

Mom : you’ve lost weight since the last time I saw you (1 week ago) that’s great! What did you do ?

Me *have been fasting for 1 whole week and exercised every day* : I just did a few workouts you know, nothing much

Thanks for promoting weight loss to your child even tho they are at a healthy weight and suffered from anorexia and binge eating for the 2 past years

What’s the best way to lose weight fast ?

Is it by fasting 3 to 5 days several times in a month and restricting <500 cals the other days? (and also exercising every single day)

Or is it by restricting <500 cals every day and also exercising?

Does “starvation mode” really exist? Is it possible that you lose more weight by eating daily but restricting than fasting/restricting?

I need help and advice please

Oh. I really want to die rn. I can’t stand it.

I haven’t eaten for 5 days, the week before I ate small amounts and low cal. I exercised.

I just have weighed myself. I’m 58kg (128 lbs)

I thought I’d be at least at 55kg (121 lbs). It seems that no matter how little I eat I don’t lose.

My parents will go on vacation 20 days so I’m planning to fast at least 15 days in total. And I’m prolonging my ongoing 110h fast to a 165h one.

I want to have sex/intime relation but I’m too insecure and hate my body

And I’d like to have penetrative sex but it scares me, so I was wondering why, and figured out it may be linked to my fear/disgust of things (food) entering my body

So here’s another side effect of my ed on my life :)

Skyr y'all

One of my safest food ever, and I think this yogurt is really underrated and deserves recognition

Very low fat, low cal, high protein yogurt

~ 50 cal / 100g

~ 20g protein / 100g

Comes in fruity/vanilla flavors (good for sweet cravings, breakfast, snack, overnight oats)

Or just plain (good to avoid binges while having protein, healthy dip with veggies, low cal dressing, anything)

You can buy it in 100g tub so it’s a perfect portion, or in big pot!

When I was really underweight and my parents would keep a close eye on what I ate, they never suspected it to be an “Ana food” bc it’s not labeled as “low cal” or “0%” or “diet”

I said I wanted to gain muscle mass and protein was good, so I was allowed to eat them :)

when asked what superpower I would chose, I always say shape-shifting

but it’s really just bc it means I could change my body in a skinnier and prettier one

Does smoking cigarettes really help suppressing appetite ?

Asking for a friend ;)

Bc i’m bored even if i know this won’t interest anybody, it’s like having a Q&A with myself :)

• Day 1 : stats

I’m 160cm (5"2) and I think I weight 56kg rn (123 lbs)

This is also my hw. My lw was 37kg (81 lbs) and my ugw is 36kg (79 lbs) bc I wanna be at least at bmi 14 if not less.

• Day 2 : height

So i’m 160cm (5"2) and nah i don’t like my height. I’d like to be taller, ~170/175cm (5"7)

I’m not dainty short, I’m stocky short >:(

I want those long legs!!

• Day 3 : thinspiration

I really love this pic even tho I have a ton of fav thinspi

She’s very thin and dainty, her waist is so tiny! I love her long and skinny legs and her outfit is so beautiful too! And those arms!

• Day 4 : fears about weight loss

Hmm I’d say

- losing my hair (I literally had a kind of baldness when at my lw it was so ugly),

- loose skin,

- worrying my friends and family and making their life harder

And most importantly the worst case would be to have to stop my studies to go inpatient. Rn my studies and my student friends are the best thing that happened to me. I love my studies, living alone, my supportive friends, the parties, the atmosphere. I don’t want to waste one of the best year of my youth bc of my ed.

• Day 5 : why

Well I really hate my body as long as i’m not underweight. I hate myself if i’m not skinny. My self esteem and mental health are also slightly better when I’m underweight. It’s the only moment I’m comfortable enough to wear what I’m want, to not be drowned in shame. And I have a certain pleasure to watch others eating while I can resist hunger.

I wanna lose for me. Deep down I also wanna lose to be attractive, and to be cared of. And so my parents won’t shame my weight gain.

In fact it’s a tough question bc my head is just a mess rn and I don’t really want to acknowledge my feelings, I’d rather be in denial lmaooo

• Day 6 : binges

Yes I binge. I had a long period of anorexia (restrictive only) then I started bingeing and compensating by restricting more

It turned into a kind of binge eating disorder since January 2020,which made me gain all the weight back and more.

Now I’m kinda restricting and sometimes I have really huge binges but I can’t purge.

I think I binge bc :

- I restrict too much and then have physical and psychological urges to eat and stop the starvation

- I probably try (unconsciously) to fill an emptiness, loneliness, a lack of something inside me, and food comforts me temporarily

• 24h into my 110h 165h fast

1 coffee with milk, 1 tea, 3 sugar free gums ~ 40 cal

30 min abs workout

Can’t say I’m proud bc I hate myself way more for having gained so much weight and having to starve now instead of enjoying a skinny summer like last year

But I’m determined to continue this way and hopefully lose 15kg before september

I’m scared bc I know this “diet” of <50cal/day isn’t sustainable and may end in a huge binge but I’m either starving or bingeing all day sooo ‍♀️ and upset cos I wanna see results tomorrow and dunno if I can be this strict with my diet all summer

And I’m isolating a lot from friends/family, and I’m really anxious about food again

I’m spiralling and relapsing really hard but I wanna lose weight more than ever

• 48h into my 110h 165h fast

1 tea, 2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 2 cinnamon candies, 1 gum ~ 15 cal

12 minutes weigh loss pilates

I feel really tired and sluggish, I nearly didn’t move from my couch today. I’m depressed and also angry at myself bc I didn’t work out very much.

When I see posts saying some people are exercising to the point of fainting I’m ashamed bc I never exercise that much. I don’t have willpower. I want a toned and skinny body but I’m not pushing myself hard enough. I feel like a failure and a lazy fatass.

• 72h into my 110h 165h fast

2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 2 teas, 2 gums, ½ stock cube ~ 30 cals

Walked 2h30, 14000 steps

Wasn’t a bad day, finally went outside, i went to the botanical garden bc I love plants and they sooth me

I also put on my jeans (size 6) and they were looser than usual ! This is the motivation I need to keep fasting and restricting! Hopefully I’ll be able to lose those 15kg for september if I keep going on and fast more

Can’t wait to wear my size 0 clothes again

• 96h into my 110h 165h fast

1 black coffee, 1 glass of 0cal lemonade, 2 gums ~ 10cals

1h stretching yoga

Good day, wasn’t even hungry! I tried to do a 12min intense abs workout but had to stop at 5min bc I had back pain. So I switched for a back pain relief yoga

I’m satisfied that I acknowledged my pain, didn’t push too hard on my body, instead I listened to it and tried to help it.

But I’m also disappointed in myself bc I didn’t push me “hard enough” which makes me feel like I’m not making efforts to lose (even if i’m currently in a 5 days fast lmaoo)

• 120h ino my 165h fast

1 coffee, 1 glass of 0cal lemonade, 1 gum ~ 5 cals

35 min of Chloe Ting workouts

I weighed myself this morning and had a breakdown. I thought after 4 days of fasting I would’ve lost some weight but no i’m 58kg which is my hw and I wanna kms.

So I did harder workout and I’m prolonging my fast. Apparently if I exercise 5x/week and eat 300 cals/day, I should lose 15kg by september.

I’m going to fast a few times more, maybe 3x 5 days so I’ll be eating less than 300cals on the average.

• 144h into my 165h fast

1 coffee, 2 glasses of 0cal lemonade, 1 gum ~ 5 cals

30min back pain workout, 25min of Chloe Ting Body & Abs workout

I’ve lost 0.5kg (1.1 lb) since yesterday sooo good I guess? I’m not bloated anymore and I can slightly see some abs when I raise my arms :)

I’m barely hungry, I don’t wanna eat anymore (I watch mukbangs and supersize vs superskinny instead to stop my urges to eat lmao)

It also makes me anxious bc i’m scared that when I’ll start eating again, I’ll gain even if it’s <200 cals I dunno

I think I’m gonna start a fast at midnight and end it on monday at 12pm

So it will be a 132h fast, never did one this long but I reaaaally need to lose a ton of weight as fast as possible

I hope I’ll be able to do it without ending bingeing

Lmao tmi but I’ve had a really bad depressive episode over the past couple months and haven’t been taking care of myself properly and now I’ve got a huge cavity which means I have to avoid suagary foods until I can get it sorted by a dentist…. my depression really pulled through to help out my ed

Seriously tho pls take care of yourself and brush your teeth, hygiene is very important!!! <3

Meal idea I found online:

Bowl of Ice(crushed is best)

1 Lemon

1 tablespoon of Sugar

Combine the ice lemon juice and sugar mix it up and then eat it!

Total calories: 60 per bowl

Calories:

Lemon juice- 20 per lemon

Sugar- 48 per teaspoon

Ana Accountability (01.21.22)

Morning:

12 fl oz can Mountain Dew Major Melon, 160cal

Tyson Any'tizers Buffalo Style Hot Wings (unmeasured), ~190cal

Subtotal: ~350cal

-

Afternoon:

1 banana (unmeasured), ~110cal

12 fl oz Arizona Diet Half & Half Tea Lemonade, 10cal

Wrigley’s Extra Polar Ice Gum, 5cal

Monster Pops Lemon Lime popsicle, 60cal

Subtotal: ~185cal

-

Evening:

Wendy’s medium fries, 350cal

Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich, 500cal

Wendy’s medium (~20 fl oz) Coke Zero, 0cal

Beef lo mein, ???cal

Egg fried rice, ???cal

Subtotal: 850cal+

-

Total Caloric Intake: ????cal (1,380cal+)

-

Not me failing at high restriction. I was aiming to limit myself to 1,500cal at most, but of course one of my parents has to suddenly decided to bring Chinese takeout home for everybody on the day I start trying to do daily accountability posts again. I guess I should have expected to fuck up the first day back when it’s been quite a while since I actually starved myself anyways. Oh well, I won’t let this stop me from trying to restrict tomorrow or the day after. I’m sure it won’t be long until I start getting restless and begin naturally restricting more and more as time goes on also.

Also, I apologize to anyone that finds the formatting of this post kind of ugly; I’ve never really known how to make my daily accountability posts look particularly nice and neat.

Okay, I think I need to start doing accountability posts on here, because otherwise I’ll never lose weight on my own. I feel like if there’s other eyes on the numbers, I might feel pressure to keep the numbers down even if no one is forcing me.

I don’t really know what format to go with though. Either I do my old ana log format from before or I update every time I consume something. Or maybe both? I’m reallyyy unsure because it’s been a while since I posted anything having to do with me actually restricting at all.

OMFGGGGG. I NEED NEED NEEEEED to lose weight to make a pretty girl like me. PLEASEEEE let me gain some motivation to starve again finally.

Uhhh… Does someone around my age wanna be fasting buddies because I need someone to hold my hand or else I will crack and eat?

Okay, I need to start starving myself again ASAP, if not because I’m simply fucked up, because a hot girl on a dating app asked if we could meet up at some time.